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my husband doesn't dance
Posted by Angelica
11/4/2009  8:11:00 AM
My husband and I have been married for 7 years, and I have been dancing for 4. I've always loved to dance but didn't know I had a passion for it until I took an actual class, and I've been addicted ever since! My husband took 1 class with me and didn't like it, so it's always been my thing ever since.

Even though my husband doesn't dance, he has no problem with me going out and dancing the night away alone; this has been great for us because I couldn't be with someone who didn't support my wishes.

My issue is that I wish I was with someone who could dance with me... I'd like to just get lost in a romantic bachata sometimes but can't... I feel like it would be inappropriate for me to do a "dirty dance" with someone because I'm married... Everyone knows I am, I don't hide it that I'm married, but I just feel that I'm missing out because my significant other can't be on the dance floor with me... Has anyone experienced this? Thanks!
Re: my husband doesn
Posted by belleofyourball
11/4/2009  9:55:00 AM
I've been with my sweetheart for 12 years. He doesn't dance. I talked him into a community college class because I couldn't get him into a real studio. It was....okay.

He didn't have a good time and his not so good time wore on me. I thanked him for trying and have left it alone since then.

The people at my studio know I'm involved and they know I'm off limits which sets a structure that allows me to be as romantic and naughty as I want. It doesn't mean anything and because we all know that we can all let go and have a blast. Know in your own heart you won't cheat on him and that truth should set you free. You love him, you don't love your partner but you can play pretend. It's actually healthier for your relationship. Research indicates a woman who is exposed to a flirtatious environment and has physical, stopping at intimate, contact with other men actually has stronger relationships with her life partner that are more sexually satisfying. (I'm actually a Psych. so I know what I'm talking about.)

Let yourself go within the structure you have set. Be happy your husband tried...

Belle
Re: my husband doesn
Posted by Cyd
11/4/2009  12:55:00 PM
belleofyourball. Those of you who have a husband or partner who is not interested in dancing. Then thats the way it is. Would you for instance go fishing several times a week, which might be your mates obsesion. On the local scene things might work out. But to be a competitor which could mean being away for weekends at a time. That is asking for trouble.
Re: my husband doesn
Posted by pivotingfool
11/4/2009  1:42:00 PM
Sooner or later, you will leave your husband.

Try to get him to take Square Dance Lessons. Almost all men, (particulary engineers and math majors), seem to excell at Square Dancing. After a couple of years, you can get him into Round Dancing. (Coreographed Ballroom.)

Having a Caller, or a Cuer give you the Cues relieves the man from having to think too much.

You have to decide if your marrage is more important than your dancing. Your husband must decide if you are worth taking lessons for.

Square Dancing is the middle road.

Ballroom is just too personal. It is very easy to fall in love when you are dancing. Having to feel guilty whenever a guy makes you feel good is difficult.

As I said, your marrage is on shakey ground. Both of you should give that a lot of thought.

Michael
Re: my husband doesn't dance
Posted by Ladydance
11/4/2009  2:38:00 PM
No one can decide if they like or dislike dancing after one lesson. When I asked my husband to take lessons with me, I made him promise that he would stay with it for a year. After that if he decided it wasn't for him, he could quit but I would continue on my own. Six years later, we're still dancing together and he really enjoys it (much to his surprise!)
Personally, I would have been angry and disappointed if he had quit after one lesson.
Re: my husband doesn
Posted by terence2
11/4/2009  11:09:00 PM
My salsa classes ( and sometimes b/room ) have been inundated with married ladies sans husband ( cant figure this one out ?.. clubs dont start till 10 pm ) they generally dont last beyond a 5 week course.. the Ballroom "solos", tend to last a little longer.

I have , over the yrs, seen some who strayed from the " path ".. its a tightrope..
Re: my husband doesn
Posted by Sprachman
11/6/2009  7:13:00 AM
Don't force your husband to go dancing if he doesn't want to. I decided to celebrate my 50th birthday at the local bi-weekly Contra Dance. I figured that it was easy enough for my non-dance friends. I explained to them what Contra Dancing was. The wives seemed interested. Two of the husbands called and said they were coming to support me, but they won't dance because it was not their "cup of tea". I suggested that they at least try the 15 minute class and they said no. They did come with their wives. They sat with their arms folded. One of the wives danced and loved it (and has come back without the husband). One of the husbands asked when the cake was being served. I told them and they went out to the car to listen to the baseball game. They came in at the break. We celebrated my birthday and then the 4 left. The rest of us went back to dancing and we all had a great time.

Let me give you a second story about husbands who don't dance. One of the women in our ballroom/swing dance circle would go out dancing several time a week. Her husband did not dance. It got to a point where it began to affect their marriage. The wife said, either we take lessons together or we get divorced. So he took lessons and loved dancing so much that now they teach ballroom dancing to beginers.

One of Long Island's dance instructors once commented on a local radio show that men do not like to dance until they realize they can. Then they love it.

Angelica, be happy that he supports your interest in dance and hopefully it will not affect your marriage.
Re: my husband doesn
Posted by Angelica
11/6/2009  7:41:00 AM
Thanks everyone! Turns out that there was a happy ending in this... I opened up to my husband and explained how dancing has become such a big part of my life that it didn't feel right for him not to be in it... I told him I didn't want to force him into doing something he didn't like, and when he felt that he might lose me over this, he immediately confessed that he is scared to dance because he doesn't want to be ridiculed! And that he is actually jealous of guys out there who can do it! So we agreed to take on a dance we both don't know, probably swing, and we will start taking lessons together...

I'm still in shock at the outcome, but I'm so excited! We agreed I'll still go to the salsa socials alone (well, I go with friends), since he won't be learning salsa for a little while...

Re: my husband doesn
Posted by dheun
11/6/2009  9:29:00 AM
Just tell your husband that dancing is like any other sport. It takes good balance, good core strength and some hip movement that is more natural than one would think. I often tell men that I am teaching that it has traits similar to boxing (footwork and balance), it has movements similar to golf (hip movement and weight shift), it has movement similar to basketball (arm extension, being on balls of your feet) and it calls for core strength and stamina one would expect in football or soccer.
So it has it all, which is why I like it so much. And once you get interested, and you enjoy challenges, there are more steps, moves and variations in a single dance like the Fox Trot than there are in one entire sport. So imagine getting well-versed and comfortable in about six to 10 dances! You're going to have a blast, and it's quite possible your husband will get more addicted than you!
Re: my husband doesn
Posted by pivotingfool
11/6/2009  10:37:00 AM
Most of the male dancers I know only started dancing to make their wives happy. (They all now love dancing even more than their wives do.)

When a man takes dance lessons just to make his wife happy, the women seldom have a clue as to how much he must love her.

Learning to dance is a huge challange to the male ego. A man likes to feel at least average in any endeavor.

When taking lessons for the first time, men do not realize that the folks who seem to be, "Natural Dancers", are usually the ones who have taken the same lessons before. (Sometimes several times before.)

Just remember that when your husband actually learns to dance,---lots of younger women will want to take him away from you. You will be jealous when he dances with the young pretty women. (Especially when they talk about how wonderful he is.)

When this happens, try to remember how he must have felt when you kept going to your Salsa Dances, even after he started taking Dance Lessons for you.

Compromise is possible. If he is willing to try to learn to dance for you, you should be willing to make him your number one dance partner.

I am sorry, but you seem a bit selfish to me. The guy is willing to go out there and look like a darn fool for you. This is a huge step. It is really difficult for a man to make a fool out of himself in front of his wife and a bunch of strangers. (And we all look like fools at first.)

What are you willing to do for him?

My guess is that after the divorce you husband will take dance lessons and become a really good dancer. I bet some yuong women will scoop him up when he does.
Re: my husband doesn
Posted by Telemark
11/7/2009  12:56:00 AM
It sounds to me as though there is a personal story here, which Pivotingfool is trying to project onto everyone. Dancing with someone other than your spouse is certainly not a marriage breaker. Messing about with other people's spouses certainly is. You don't have to be a dancer to be a cheating bastard.
Re: my husband doesn
Posted by Three Wise Men
11/8/2009  2:39:00 PM
Anybody who knows the history of ballroom dancing would know the name Henry Jacques British Champion 1934-36. I was at a Medal Night which he was the judge and followed with a discussion on dancing, the year was 1953. He said If you are already married and take up dancing there is a future, But he said statistically to marry your dance partner is a mistake. You are most likely marrying for the wrong reasons. Sooner or later the dancing comes to an end. Then what.
Myself through the years I have seen it happen over and over again . Fortunately there are exceptions.
Re: my husband doesn
Posted by Cyd
11/6/2009  12:36:00 PM
Angelica and any others whos husbands are afraid of looking ridiculace.
When I Dance
I don`t Dance to be better than any body else .
I only Dance to be better than myself.

Print that and hange it on the wall.
Myself when I am on the floor I am not aware of who might be watching. Frankly I couldn`t care less. I have enought to contend with, with the music, and leading the partner. The footwork and so on. Being that it is impossible to think of two things at the same time. There is no space for worrying about what other people think.
So it boils down to being able to concentrate
Re: my husband doesn
Posted by Angelica
11/6/2009  12:44:00 PM
Pivotingfool - Don't get me wrong, I did not give my husband an ultimatum for him to either start dancing or I would leave... after speaking to him he realized how dancing is important to me, and that he indeed doesn't hate dancing, he just was afraid to try... We are doing this for each other, and I can only see good things come out of it!

Thanks everyone for all comments! I like the quote from Cyd and the sports analogy! My husband loves sports...
Re: my husband doesn
Posted by Jim
4/3/2014  12:00:00 PM
If you like the sports analogy let me run this one by you! My wife of 30 years loves to dance, me not so much. At parties & weddings I'll get up so she can enjoy herself but I do little more than shuffle my feet & arms in a crowd. She has talked about trying Ballroom Dancing for a couple of years and I have encouraged her to try it. Recently I felt she needed a distraction because of other things going on in our lives and bought her a beginners package from Living Social. She started
( by herself) and was hooked. She knows I don't like to dance nor do I have any sense of rhythm. I will accompany her to the socials but she is on her own for the lessons, practices & workshops. We have had an agreement from early on in our courtship, I agree to go to ballet & opera with her, she goes to hockey & baseball games with me, she doesn't expect me to tango and I don't ask her to play third base. It works for us and is a good compromise, it isn't a statement of our commitment or fidelity to each other. Don't over think it!
Re: my husband doesn
Posted by pivotingfool
11/9/2009  1:23:00 PM
Cyd,

We are not talking about people who are already dancers.

We are talking about men who are asked to go out and try to impress their wife when the wife is already far ahead, and when she is already dancing with men who are well established.

If you think a little slogan about "what should be, can change what is", more power to you.

However, in reality, most men have egos that are easily brused. Most men don't want to look worse, (Or in this case not nearly as polished.), than the other men in the room. (Espically in front of their wives.)

It is easy for an established male dancer to say that he isn't competing with anyone.

On the other hand, if your team is playing like the Washington Redskins, and you are schedualed to play the New York Giants, you might not feel so non-competive.

I bet if you were one of the Redskin players, you would want to play a little better than you have been,--- if you wife was watching.

The male ego gets us into a lot of trouble. However, just wishing it away, isn't going to change it.


Re: my husband doesn't dance
Posted by Rodney
12/31/2012  6:08:00 PM
My wife did not like dance very much, but I love dance, . I don,t have partner to dance

Re: my husband doesn't dance
Posted by rgswoohoo
1/3/2013  5:48:00 PM
as a single guy myself:

I admit my reason for wanting to dance was when I started seeing different womens' profiles and seeeing that 99.9% of them loved to dance I figured dancing would be a good skill to add to my repertoir to help me meet women more easily.

And, yes, we do have egos. My idea of learning to dance was I wanted to be that one flashy showy guy on the floor that all the ladies swooned over. Little did I know it would take eons too reach that level. But I rememberbeing at dances where everyone else was dancing but me, and it was because I didn't know how to do what they were doing, but yet it looked fun and they were having a good time. And one of the hinderances in taking lessons is that you don't want to look lioke a fool for not being able to do it. Now for any guys who are still hanging on the fence who might happen to read this .... you are going to have to start somewhere. Preferably at the begining. It is going to be a slow painful process. AND you are going to make PLENTY of mistakes before you get it right. If you are going to start at all you have to be willing to look like a fool, and you will look and feel like one, and approach it from the view point that says, "I'm not that flashy guy on the floor ....YET!"

and since I have started dancing ....
I don't consider myself to be the most attractive guy, but I have been dancing for a few years now and it amazes me the amount of women who WANT to dance with me because I can do it and show them a good time (my enjoyment is in making sure the lady is enjoying herself), some of them some really beautiful exotic women, hmmm
Re: my husband doesn't dance
Posted by ballroomchick
1/4/2013  11:16:00 AM
rgswoohoo

I WISH you would repost this on EVERY singles listing there is. I can not tell you how many guys I hear complain.... "where are all the great gals to date." I tell them we are at the ballroom dancing every Friday or Saturday night. They look at me like I've suddenly grown an extra head. They don't beleve me that when tell thme the single guys all end up with a table full of ladies to dance with each week. A gal who is not regulars at his tabels have to snagg the guy before he comes off the dance floor if they wish to dance with him.

Yes we all started somewhere! We ladies WANT more guys to learn to dance. We are willing to help them learn (if they wish it). We encourage them as we hear about their dance lessons. What a way to make friends of all ages, heights and shapes. I've seen many marriages happen this way. Oh and those guys still dance with lot of other ladies and their wifes dance with lots of other guys.
Re: my husband doesn't dance
Posted by ShirleyAnn
1/12/2013  7:02:00 AM
I found the comments most interesting to read. I met my husband at a social dance attached to a dance school 37 years ago. We picked up dancing again after our children grew up but didn't know of many local places to do ballroom dancing at the time (it all seemed to be disco dancing). However the last 2 years we have been learning Sequence dancing and we go out twice sometimes three times a week now and love it and have met lots of new friends. I agree that new bachelor men would be welcome as there are often lots of ladies around needing partners and often having to dance together. I feel very glad to have my lovely husband. I should say that I live in England. I just came across this website today and believe it's American.
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