I'm interested in hearing the various opinions on my situation.

I've been dancing for about 2 years. I absolutely love it but since my girlfriend joined six months ago, it's becoming a chore.

Initially she wanted to come to the practice sessions and wanted me to only dance with her. This is clearly a problem as I'm not qualified to teach her and this prevents me from practicing what I've learned in my lessons.

I really felt like I was being blocked from my hobby. I took this up with her and after some negotiating, she now will dance with others and I can dance with others. There are usually disputes and repercussions but dancing with others is partially functional now.

She has taken some lessons and has skipped ahead to level III. I'm encouraging her to take her time and as time goes on there will be more areas that we would have in common in the dance field. As an absolute beginner and because of her background she is also not familiar with the music. She can't identify the beat within music. I try to get her to clap her hands with music but she can't. I try and negotiate her to have a frame when we dance sometimes and encourage her to continue with the basic lessons rather than skipping ahead. She has thrown some objection to this as there are some men who have 8 or 10 years of experience with dancing who can manage to do a lot better with her. But when I dance with her, I just get confused and frustrated.

I'm really starting to get interested in going to dance practices without her. The problem is that when I do this she tends to show up.

When we go to a social (not a lesson or a practice session in a dance studio), I follow a different route. I always stay with her and dance with her as much as I can. (Except where I don't know the steps or she doesn't or either of us is engaged in a conversation). I also allow others to come and dance with her. In that case I may go and find another lady to keep my busy till she gets back. As a rule if a lady asks me to dance, if I accept, there will be trouble.

I think things would have been different if she had joined at the same time that I did as we may have progressed from the beginning. On the other hand, I have made some good progress because I have danced with several partners.

I dance with her as much as I can (even if the resulting confusion takes me an hour to recover from). Once others start to invite her I start to dance with other ladies. This can be risky because she my react. For example, last Friday we went to s Swing activity (I thought that it might be a fun change from our ballroom since the music is clearly very percussive and East Coast Swing is very easy). After she returned from her dance with someone else (perhaps 3 dances) she sat somewhere far from the dance floor. I suggested that it's better to stay closer to the floor. She moved with me but she stood beside me frowning with her arms crossed. I knew that no one would ask her to dance in that state and I knew that if I went to dance I'd be deserting her and there would be repercussions.

I'm getting pretty desperate and am unsure what to do. Sometimes I think she took up dancing just to block me from doing it. She doesn't want to go to as many dance activities as me so I don't expect her to be at the same level for a while so I only want to dance with her at social functions.

My current plan is to sign up for some lessons with a lady at my level and to start avoiding going to the same practices with her. Just keep it separate.

So where have I gone wrong and what can I do to help the situation?

This sounds like a pretty unhealthy relationship :(

If she is discouraging you from practicing with better dancers during studio classes and practice sessions, you should talk to her, and possibly a therapist! Everyone deserves a hobby, a passion, to love and excel at.

Obviously, you can only change your own behavior. Why don't you leave teaching her to the instructors and just have fun with her? I remember as a beginner finding it extremely annoying to dance with men who were just barely better than me but would try to teach me steps they had not mastered themselves. "No, that's not it." "Wait try this." This would go on during an entire song. It was like, enough! The good dancers have no trouble leading me, what are these mediocre dancers doing? Stick to the basics and have FUN dancing with her. Also, you call her a "non dancer." That's a bit mean, no? I mean, telling her she has no rhythm and can't dance is probably not helping her.

Yeah, when I read the title of this thread I thought it had to do with dancers who have a relationship partner who won't even go to a dance, let along take lessons...at least yours is trying, even if you're not happy with the results.

I was in the opposite situation. My girlfriend had the experience and I was the new dancer. She had over 10 years experience and I was a brand new dancer. Initially we took some basic lessons together. Then I took lessons without her. Now we are taking lessons together again. We would go to the dance socials together. Initially it was intimidating for me and frustrating for her. I didn't have the skills or the confidence to dance around more experienced dancers. She would complain that she was losing her skills because I could not do more complex dance steps. She would dance with other more experienced dancers. I would be jealous and just sit there as I didn't have the confidence to dance with others.

Learning to ballroom dance is a slow process. Not everyone learns at the same pace. It takes time for everything to come together. Slowly I learned the more complex dance steps. My girlfriend no longer complains about losing her skills. As I get better I like ballroom dancing more. I'm not perfect. With three years experience, the memories of being a beginer are still fresh.

Tuna Sandwich, you need to first ask yourself which is more important dancing or girlfriend. Second, you need to talk to her and ask her if she enjoys dancing or is this something she's doing because you like doing it. If she's interested in dancing because she really enjoys it and really wants to learn, then take lessons together. You only have two years experience and even basic lessons will improve your leading her and with style and technique. And be supportive of her. Eventually she will get better and the skill level will equalize. You may want to consider other forms of dance where it may be easier to learn and leading her is not as important. You want to try Square Dancing, Folk Dancing, or Counrty Line Dance. It may help with the beat and give you additional skills as a dancer.

If your girlfriend and dancing is important to you then be very patient and be very encouraging!! The really good dancers either have natural talent or have been dancing for many years.

Hi!

Thanks for the feedback!

I referred to her as a non-dancer but I suppose I could have said new dancer. Keep in mind that she will not see this message area.

Stevenp, thanks for sharing that. I'm not a jealous person but I can relate to those feelings. I think that's the fundamental problem here (aside from the fact that she has different dance interests and skills than I do).

It is tricky if two people have very different needs.

Anonymous2, I do stick to basics when I dance with her but thanks for that note. I only try to do the basic step and one or two other things such as a turn in rumba. The issues are more fundamental than which steps we are doing as she can't hear the beat and doesn't participate in a frame well. I think that without the frame and the music, its very difficult so she is always off balance to boot. She's pushing and pulling the whole time. (Very confusing).

You are right that there are some relashionship issues. I find that she is very clingy and insecure about the relashionship. She has a lot of good qualities and I wonder if this clingy pattern is temporary or permanent.

She has also joined one of my choirs that I'm involved with as well. I think she wants to increase the time we have together by converting some of my hobby time into time with her.

I've had this discussion with her several times. I think that she has just started to recognize the importance of social hobbies as she has taken up piano lessons and has been active at studying. I'm going to take piano lessons myself but it will not have any connection to her lessons or school.

I figure that as she rounds out that way, she will become less clingy and understand my needs better.

It is getting better but sometimes there is regression.

Anonymous1, I'm not really teaching her when we are dancing, I'm just trying to negotiate a bit if a frame so she can try and follow the lead.

I supose there are two issues here.

1) She is jealous.

2) We have different needs within the dance hobby.

After some reflection and hearing some feedback, I think my plan of proceeding with lessons and practice on my own is a good idea. I'll try and come up with a set of policies for both dance community and social environments that we can both agree to for when we're both at the same event.

I think its important that people have hobbies and this is a good hobby so I'm not planning on withdrawing or giving up too much practice time.

Many people who are new to dancing believe that there is a necesary link between romance and dancing. It complicates things sometimes.

So here's the policy I'm going to roll out tonight.

:)

Practices: Within the dance community, I will do one of each dance type with her as it comes up. After that I'm movin'.

Lessons: I don't have time for anything but the lessons that are supporting my needs right now. If she shows some initiative and takes enough lessons, I'll do lessons with her in the future. Perhaps in a area of dance that's new for both of us.

Socials: At socials that are outside the dance community I'm going to do it like date. (Parties for work, pubs, restaurants, bars, Christmas parties and such) I will generally sit next to her (or however the host sits us). I'll generally dance with her and will grant permission if ever asked by her or anyone else for her to dance. I don't require people to ask my permission. I will dance if other women approach me but only if I have already danced with my partner. If she is out dancing, I may ask another women to dance.

Hi, I love to dance but my husband has no interest in it at all. I recently go to 2 dance places with my girlfriend(who has a fixed dance partner), I found almost everyone came with a partner. I feel awkward sometimes. Am I in the wrong place?

PPokamon, I suspect that you are in the right place. Are you taking lessons? I find that you can find partners for lessons at the practice lessons.

Well, I went to a dance practice and social last night with the lady.

Everything went smooth. I found that she's starting to get over the push-pull thing and I enjoyed dancing with her during the practice. I danced about 4 times with her and the rest with some of my regulars.

Thanks for all the input. I feel a lot better now.