Good suggestions, LTTP. At our studio, the ladies for the most part have been coming long enough that they're trained to go ask if they want to dance! But, it gets old...it's nice to be asked once in a while. I suggest to everyone that they do the mixers and, if applicable, take the lesson before the dance to get to know people.

This is quite an interesting post - all around. However, Kevin Laddison, I can't quite agree with all of your comments.

If I may, with all due respect:

If #1 and #2 turn him down, I see THAT as a problem. Aren't these women there to dance to begin with? Isn't it dance ettiquette not to "turn down" unless a person has a legitimate reason?

I feel that this is where we come to a fork in the road - where dating and dancing take different routes. Of course we can be selective in both, but dancing is not dating. The man is not asking one of these 3 women to spend a lifetime together. He just wants a dance. How is the guy going to feel if all 3 women don't step forward for his offer?

If #1 doesn't like the song, then #2 will hear this and #2 should not feel like she's second fiddle.

Another note I'd like to comment on: I feel that dancers should not be selective towards songs. What would happen at a competition if a competitor didn't like a particular song? Would they withdraw from the heat? Somehow, I don't think so...

Regards,

In my opinion the difference between a "wallflower" and someone who dances all night is the attitude the person portrays. Do they stand near the dance floor and look ready to dance? Or do they sit behind a table? Are they alone, and therefor approachable? Or are they hiding among a group of other women (or even a mixed gender group)?

Who would you choose to ask to dance, the person who looks like they are ready to go, or the person hiding behind a table?

Who seems more approachable? A member of a group, or someone off by themselves. Watch who people ask to dance the next time you are out. Most people will ask people they know first, then unattached strangers before trying to break into a group.



Again, I'm going to go with attititude. Do they look like they want to dance?

Of course this only counts if you don't already know a dancer. If two equally "attractive" patners dance differently thier real attractiveness is not apparent to a viewer. Sometimes there is something off on the connection between partners that makes dancing less "good", and so the other partner will be selected.

Kevin

Great question! I have had this discussion in terms of dating in high school (a whole other thing, I realise...) and the only answer I could give the "wallflower" was that she always had a look and attitude of having better things to do. A kind of a "well, you silly girls can hang around with boys but I'm too busy studying and doing important stuff." So I think it may just come down to that - attitude. We show it in so many ways and read it pretty much instinctively so it is hard to describe in words.

If I can be a bit flippant for a minute - this is one of the reasons I tell my DH that we have to stay married (29 years this Aug.). I just don't have the energy to have to be finding a new dance partner! *LOL*

tourist

Phil - I appreciate that you look to see if a woman dances exclusively with someone before you ask her to dance. My DH and I are one of those couples who dance to enjoy each other's company and having someone else ask me to dance can be awkward for several reasons. First, it might just be the dance that we have decided to concentrate on that particular dance (maybe we've learned a new figure or have something to practice for our next lesson), second, we dance almost every dance that it is physically possible to dance so if I am sitting out I probably really do need a rest, third, there are still a ot of dances I don't know enough to comfortably dance (samba, quickstep, WC swing and more...) so I will decline anyway.

I know the people who believe social dancing means dancing with everyone and I believe that dancing with many partners actually would improve my dancing but this is what works for us and I appreciate it when other dancers unerstand

Thanks for all the input and there must be something else as I do stand at the edge of the dance floor, alone or with a friend, with my arms down, swaying to the music and searching the crowd for someone to dance with. Men who have gotten to know me will ask me to dance. But, experience has taught me that if I don't go ask men I don't know to dance, they won't ask me. I just wish I knew why that was.

As a man, perhaps i could say what i look for when i go out social dancing on my own. I'm not claiming to be typical by any means - in fact, i think i'm a little shy about it. But i will, and do, ask strangers to dance if the 'circumstances' are right. Here are the circumstances i look for:
1)Is the lady a reasonably competent dancer? Not expert by any means, just competent
2)Is the lady dancing regularly with different men? or with the same man all the time? Did she dance with different men last time i saw her at a dance?
If the lady is dancing with the same man all the time, i may be treading on someone's toes in asking her to dance, so i don't.
It doesn't matter where the lady is in the dance hall, or whether she's with a crowd of friends.
If there's a quickstep playing and the lady gets up with another (lady) friend to do a jive, that gives me a subtle message that maybe she doesn't dance quickstep. It would be much better if the ladies got up and danced together doing a quickstep- maybe taking it in turns to be the leader.
It is an unfortunate fact that those who do the most dancing are more likely to be asked to dance, so find any means to get out there and dance.
It's a complex social issue which involves a lot of skill, and i may have it all wrong. I'd welcome any suggestions.

This is an interesting question, and I am sure there are many different reasons that men will ask some women to dance and not others.

Although I am a woman, I also lead (sometimes). The one studio where I frequent, a few of the women ask me to dance (usually a cha cha, swing or hustle). I never turn down a dance, and I am flattered when they ask. However, some of the women whom I dance with are "heavy." I'm not talking about being overweight; one of the women who asks me is as tiny as myself. I'm 5'3" and around 100 lbs. If the woman doesn't move (dance on her own - provider her own energy), it takes a lot of muscle on my part to get her to do whatever I lead - eventhough they follow well (especially hustle). This does make the dance less enjoyable.

As a follower, the owner of this studio complemented me one time when we were dancing by commenting that it sure is a pleasure to dance with someone who moves.

Regards,
Hoofer

There are probably all sorts of reasons, depending on the person and exact situation, but one is probably because they don't know you. Not everyone is comfortable around people they don't know and with dancing being a close contact activity, they may be less likely to ask you to dance if they don't already know you. Some of us are a bit shy and it can be hard to break out of that and go ask strangers to dance. But if you ask them now and then, soon enough they'll start to be more comfortable around you and they'll ask you to dance (hopefully).

--
James Marshall
marshall@astro.umd.edu
http://www.astro.umd.edu/~marshall

In my experience, I have gone out dancing with friends (male friends) and I have had some men ask me to dance but also ask if it is "ok" to even ask me. They actually wanted to be sure my friend didn't mind.

I have also been at dances where there are WAY more ladies then men. It not always easy to get a dance in that way unless there are "mixers".

The mixers are nice because 1) I get to dance for a little bit and 2) the men that may not have known me or my ability now have a better idea about me.

I actually saw someone with a cute pin that said "Ask me to dance and I will say YES!". As silly as that sounds, it might be the clue that some guys may need to get up the courage to ask someone they've never met before to join them out on the dance floor.

Old school is the lady NEVER asks the man for a dance, but I bet if there were more "lady's choices" dances, the ladies would get out there more and not be "wallflowers". Just a suggestion to those studios out there "listening"......