I've gotten to the point where I won't ask a woman to dance if she's more advanced than me, because most don't enjoy dancing with someone of lesser caliber. There's always this weird look in their face, or they'll just flat out turn you down. For a guy to become even half way decent at ballroom, he's got to want it really bad. No wonder so few of us do it. All the rewards seem to come in the end, after you've become good.

I'm better than most of the men at my studio and I can honestly say I've never turned down any of them. Even if they step on my toes I still dance with them. I was like them not too long ago and it's just rude to turn down an invitation to dance if you don't have a good reason, like a broken toe or something.

I actually have the opposite problem.... I have been dancing for 10 yrs+, and I dance competively with my husband. We coach three times a week, and yet I completley freeze when someone asks me to dance.

I am so use to my husbands lead that I have a real problem dancing with anyone else....I just cannot follow a lead of anyone but my husband. On top of that all of our lessons our on the routines we compete in. No social graces here!!

When asked to dance in a social setting perhaps they are a little afraid to ask me to dance because I appear to be an advanced level, but that is not it.... I am just to afraid I cannot follow.

We hardly ever go to our studio dances because first of all others will not ask me to dance, and second I am afriad I cannot even follow the very basic steps..... So we just end up dancing with each other...What is the purpose of going to a dance, if it just husband and I.... with no interaction of the group

As they say...two sides to every story.

One of the best things to remember when dancing socially:


Don't turn down a dance because the other person is worse than you are. Asking somebody better--is asking them to dance with somebody who's worse than them.

Dont get it flying dragon...Worse then them or better than them....how do you judge that???

I dont know, to me it is just dancing in a social setting.....There are not any better than or worse then ...Just is fun to dance...., feel the music, the sway or swing, thats all.

The joy of social dancing is no worry about frame, rise and fall, did I react to the exact time my partner lead my head movment...Did I take advantage of the maximum swing on the 2-3-4...forget it all and just dance for the love of dance.

Your point was exactly my point Anonymous. The joy of dancing in a social setting (from my perspective) is not to judge the level, but to enjoy the dance with another person--and be able to appreciate the person's effort and skill (however higher or lower).

I know that we dance for a variety of reasons. Some dance because they want to work on their skills, some because of the music, and some for health. But these should only be the side benefits. I think human nature being what it is, we get caught up with ourselves (e.g., do I look good? am I moving that elbow correctly? man!! look at my cuban motion!!).

Oh YES, I WAS one of those individuals who only "danced-up." At least until my mentor heard about it and hit me on the head with a newspaper (True!) and read me the riot act. I was/am a competitive dancer, never appreciated social dancing until my mentor told me to stop taking lessons (actually refused to continue teaching me) and go dance socially for half a year. Which in turn opened my eyes to her point.

And her point was this: Whether we know it or not, when we ask somebody to dance, we ask it within the social framework of courtesy, respect, and appreciation. Whether we like it or not, once we enter a social environment, we are expected to participate to the level that we can.

We're there to enjoy dancing with another person, therefore we have a social obligation to ensure that the people around us enjoy dancing with us as well. Being an International style dancer, I found I was at a disadvantage in a social, so I learned "social American Style". My technique was crude, but the effort was appreciated.

Lastly, when we strip away the details of technique, the rise and fall, the needless worries whether we did a figure right or wrong, or whether this or that person for various reasons likes us or not, it still comes down to one thing:
Sharing our love for dance with another person.

My two cents worth.

First, as a man who doesn't do a lot of asking all the time, let me point out that there can be a lot of reasons for it. This may get long, but I'll try to keep each particular point short. Some people I prefer to dance standard with, others latin, either because I like those dances better with them or I know they prefer those styles. If the song is the opposite, I'll be less likely to ask. More advanced women I tend to ask less; while it's great to dance with them, I don't think they really enjoy dancing with lower level dancers as much as people at their own level and I don't want to impose on them very much. I usually won't ask lower level dancers until I've seen that they know international style. I know very little American style and don't particularly like doing it. Because I don't know every dance played, I'm at a bit of a disadvantage, too, because people on the floor can ask others on the floor for the next dance without hearing it because they know they can dance whatever it is. I have to hear it first and many times this means a lot of the popular dancers are taken before they even leave the floor. So of course I won't ask if I don't know the dance. I also tend to track what I've danced with people to try to keep things varied; if I've already done say a rumba with someone, I'll be less likely to ask them on another rumba later in the night. Similarly I try not to dance too many times with the same few people during the night so that others can dance with them as well. I also usually won't ask if the song is halfway through or more, prefering to get a full dance than a half dance. I also don't like walking past women who are waiting in order to ask someone else, I've read somewhere before that they could feel passed up if you do, so I try to avoid it particularly if the women in between are ones I know and dance with semi-regularly. Thus, sometimes I'll wait hoping the people in between me and the person I want to ask get asked first, clearing my path. Of course this fails probably at least as much as it works. Another point is that if a woman never asks me to dance, I'll tend to ask her less and less because I figure she's only dancing with me out of politeness. Unfortunately, this has also led to a bad habit -- if a woman tends to ask me regularly, I end up waiting for her to ask because I figure she'll get me when she's ready and wants to dance with me. I'm trying to break that and ask them, too, so that they know I like dancing with them. And on top of all that, I'm a little shy sometimes and that affects things, too. I tend to factor in all this stuff plus more when deciding who to ask, if I'm going to at all, which makes it a rather complicated process. That being said, I can understand that women prefer to be asked than do the asking. And I do try to ask people at least sometimes. But if women didn't ask me, I'd dance a whole lot less than I do now because of all those things I consider when deciding who/if to ask.

Wow! Thanks for sharing that. I had no idea asking could be so complicated. As a woman, I usually wait to be asked and I only ask dancers who are on my level or less advanded than I am, because I fear imposing on the better dancers (at my studio, most of them either look unhappy when they dance with me, or try to teach while we're dancing, which is even worse). The few who are really good enough dancers to adjust to me and make it fun for both of us are rare, and I don't want to impose on them either! At the moment there aren't very many dancers on my level going to the studio parties, so I'm on the verge of taking a break from the parties.

This isn't directed at anyone in particular, but: There is something to be said for not imposing too much on dancers more advanced than you. However, unless you are just painfully awful (literally painful to dance with), do you really think a person would rather sit out all night rather than dance with you? If they're far above you, ask them once per night. It's good for you to dance with someone better, and at least they're dancing. More than that might be an imposition unless they're plainly excited to dance with you and ask you back. Does that make sense?

Yes, you do have a point. Most people would probably prefer to dance with someone below their level than not dance at all. And I do put a limit of once, *maybe* twice, per night for the high level dancers. It depends a bit and I have a sort disjoint perception about level, too. For some reason, the women I saw come up through classes and such to pass me seem closer to my level than the women who were always better than me. I will sometimes ask women from either group, but I think I lean towards asking the ones who passed me more often than the ones who were always above me. (Another factor in my asking decision, but anyway.)

Maybe it's different where you are, but here it seems that the advanced dancers rarely have trouble getting partners. Many times they're the ones who get asked for the next dance before they can even leave the floor because they're such popular partners that everyone wants a chance to dance with them. Sometimes the difficulty for them is getting a break. They're in such high demand that they'll have to turn down requests in order to rest or socialize a bit and talk with people. I've rarely been turned down when I ask them, probably because I ask them so infrequently that they don't want to turn me down when I do, but just being at the dances I see that they do have to turn down requests in order to get breaks.