I think it would have been better if the dance instructor had asked the husband first, particularly since it was not a dance studio environment.But your friend might want to consider that dance instructors routinely ask women to dance all the time (it's their job), and their familiarity with doing so might explain how they might not be sufficiently sensitive to spouses who are present in situations like the one you describe.

http://www.utdallas.edu/~aria/dance/etiquette.html


http://www.utdallas.edu/~aria/dance/beyond.html

Hey, it's 2004. The woman didn't need 'blessing' to dance, any more than she needs 'blessing' to pay for the check in a restaurant or 'blessing' to speak to someone.

Not being someone who dances, or someone who apparently does not have much experience in the new millenium at all, your friend should notice that women actually have the ability to accept or reject any advances, dancewise or otherwise.

I agree. I think David's friend is wayyy out of line and out of step with the times if he thinks someone at a social party with dancing has to ask his permission to dance with his wife. Isn't a wife a person too? She can make her own decisions, she's not personal property. And, most of all, it was a social function with dancing -- of course people are going to go around asking others to dance with them. That's the whole point.

If David's friend is so insecure in his relationship that people need permission to socialize with his wife, then he and his wife need to agree beforehand that any time the wife is asked she'll say "I'm sorry, you have to ask my husband" AND that the husband will realize that the rest of the dance scene no longer views wives as property so the husband shouldn't get bent out of shape when dancers approach the wife first.

David,

If your friend danced, he would not have taken any offense at what happened, or even given it a second thought. People from outside the dance world think dancing is all about romancing someone, or learning how to be more romantic. (Movies like Dirty Dancing and Shall We Dance? don't help.) There is that aspect, but the majority of the time, it's just a social thing.

I have never approached a lady who is accompanied/escorted by a man unless I know both of them real well.

No, he shouldn't be outraged. The person wanted to dance with his wife, so he asked her. Since she's the one who would be dancing, it's up to her to decide if she wants to or not, not her husband's choice. If she wants to, she can ask her husband, "do you mind if I dance with him?" or something. But nowadays, I think the idea of having to ask the man to dance with his lady is very outdated and rarely done. And consider this -- how would his wife feel if every man asked her husband, "may I dance with your wife"? Won't that make her feel like a piece of property, that she's unable to make her own decisions? I think that has the potential to be a lot more offensive. Unless he considers his wife as a piece of property, no, he should not be upset at all. This is normal practice. All he has to do is observe what's going on around him to see this happens all the time.

And the two links posted by tango2x2 are certainly a good start. They're not fresh in my mind, but I have read them before and as I recall, they do a very good job at describing dance etiquette.

Hi Dr. Dronak,

First, let me congratulate you on your hard earned Ph.D. degree.

Actually the two dancing etiquette links were found through your dancing webpage. :) I know many ballroom information can be found there when I need them. For that I thank you very much.

Your explanation above is great but sometimes there is a condition of extreme case of jealousy at play.

David,

Encourage your friend to take dance lessons so his wife doesn't have to feel uncomfortable or outraged by being forced to sit all night and watch other people have fun.

At the moment it appears he's foisting his own insecurities on her.

Take no excuses from him. We were all in the same boat. I was the typical male, dragged down to my first lessons, kicking and screaming, by my wife. In fact, I was tricked into it by my wife and her best friend who told us we were going for coffee. Only coffee turned out to be after a dance lesson at the YM/YWCA.

In the beginning I took every excuse to be affronted. They were just excuses from my own insecurities. I led an industrial hockey league in penalties for years. Now I teach ballroom.

Tell this party-pooper to get his @$$ out of the chair and get with the program (said with humour).

BTW: I emcee a ballroom competition every year. From the podium, and, during general dancing, I watch as the Chairman of the Dance Committee circulates and asks visiting women to dance. He does not ask the husbands for permission.

OB (in Victoria, BC)

David,

...a dance instructor, who had to have noticed that he did not dance... (excuse the dangling elipsis Dr. D.)

Note: When dance teachers dance they want people to look at them, not the other way round.

OB