I am a male dancer and have been involved with ballroom dancing for over ten years which includes my personal association with several studios in various places.

I have been going to a new studio lately and had something happen to me that I've never experienced before: an instructor "cut in" on me after I had asked (and the woman had accepted) someone to dance. In fact, he has done this twice over the past month or so. He seems to feel that since he is her instructor that it is always appropriate to do that.

I've also noticed that three different men at this same studio will also aggressively "cut in" on others who have already asked someone to dance. Is this related to this instructor's behavior?

What tends to happen now is that little "standoffs" are taking place -- men having to defend their right to dance with someone they've already asked -- meanwhile the woman who has been asked is thoroughly embarassed about the whole thing.

I want to see what others think about this -- especially professionals who have had experience in this area -- but such behavior (at least to my mind) seems completely contrary to the whole spirit of ballroom. It seems to me that male instructors should be "gentlemen" not only toward the women but toward the men at the practice parties. There should be an unspoken rule that a person who has been asked and who has accepted another's hand for a dance is a person already "spoken for" for that dance.

I don't know how others feel, but it makes me feel like I have "put in my place" -- suddenly demoted or having to play "second fiddle" to a professional instructor. Do instructors really want to make the gentlemen at their studios feel "put down" that way?

Surely professional instructors could manage their desire to dance with their students in a way that does not embarass the men. For example, they could simply request from their student the next tango or waltz that is played. Then a lady could simply say: "I'm sorry. Someone has already asked me to dance." Or, an instructor could simply consult a program that shows what music/dance is coming up and ask a student to dance before the music plays.

I was privileged to dance at a studio run by Ben and Shalene Archer Ermis, and one of the things I always noticed about them is the way they made everyone feel respected and honored. I can't imagine Ben or Shalene or any of their instructors "cutting in" on someone and creating embarassment or loss of face. In fact, I can't remember any of the best instructors I've known over the years doing such a thing.

So what does everyone think about this? Am I being overly sensitive?

Not only is that "not cool", but it's bad business. Has anyone complained to the owners of the studio? Regarding Ben and Shalene...I've never been in their area or used their studio, but I have been at many competitions they've attended, and I have to say they are the nicest, most gracious, most supportive of the WHOLE dance community of any professionals I can think of...you must have been very lucky!

I've never seen or heard of such a thing! It sounds horrible!

My instructor comes to most of the studio parties and we always dance several dances together. If there is something we specifically want to practice, we'll agree in advance to dance "the next rumba" or whatever and I'll tell anyone else that asks that I've already promised the dance to him. Or if I see him heading toward me with a purposeful look in his eye, I'll know he wants to dance that dance and I'll wait for him. So I do give him priority, but if I accept someone else before he asks me, I'd never switch to him (and he just jokes that I'm getting too popular! I think he takes it as a tribute to his teaching that more and more other men ask me to dance).

As to what you can do about the situation, you can try talking to the management (assuming the guy who does this isn't management!). This will be most effective if you are taking private lessons at the studio. I know some instructors feel that the studio parties are primarily for the studio's students to practice, although they are also open to the public. Your situation might be this attitude taken to an extreme.

You might also try talking about it to the women you dance with, to see how they feel about it. In the situation that sometimes arises when two men come up to ask at more or less the same time, it really is the lady's responsibility to accept the one who gets there first and say "sorry, I've just accepted this dance, let's dance later" to the second guy. That avoids any stand-off between the guys. It might be hard for a woman to say that to her instructor (though I do), but she could to other men.

That is totally unacceptable. When we use to go to studio parties. The teachers would look for people who were not dancing and ask them to dance, both men and women. They were always extremely couteous.

MrDance 2007. Why on earth wouldn't he ask for a dance at the beginning instead of cutting in. You've been dancing a few years . It's not as though the lady is having an uncomfortable time dancing with you. All I can add to that is it would never happen were I live.
I think I would approach the studio owner and put it this way. Do you encourage your teachers to cut into a couple when they are dancing. If he or she said, What do you mean. I would tell them in no uncertain manner

Bad bad thing...

The politically correct way of handling it:

Talk to the owners managers of the studio, it should be taken care of. Keep it on the "low down" so as to avoid any unforseen reprocussions. If this guy is that rude, he just might try to get back at you for getting him in trouble, so just drop a subtle hint to the higher ups.

The eye for an eye way:

When he asks to cut in, merely respond by saying "no sir you may not, we're having fun" and continue dancing like nothing happened.

The polite yet blunt way:

When he asks to cut in, tell him the next song is his IF the lady wishes.

I'd go with #1, then #3, then #2...in that order

First, thank you to all of you who responded to this question. It helped me gain a greater sense of objectivity, when I spoke with the studio manager about it.

Second, when I spoke with the manager, he had the instructor who cut in on me talk to me personally at the next party.

What the instructor said to me in essence was this: "This is just the way I do things, and I don't know how else to do it." I suggested two or three approaches (ask ahead of time, consult the musical program, etc.). He had no response. I also asked him if he thought his way of doing things was going to make for good feelings with the men at the parties. I didn't get a response on that, either.

Anyway, I want to support my studio even if the management is permitting this sort of behavior on the part of its instructors. My approach now is to just let this particular instructor do his asking before I ask anyone.

I realize that this might be justly considered "wimpy behavior" on my part, but when the management permits something like this, I'm not sure it does any good to carry on some kind of ongoing private battle with an instructor.

I am just thankful for all the many dance professionals and managers of studios who would never permit this kind of behavior. I've probably danced at over a dozen different studios over the years and have never experienced this before. Ballroom people are clearly (and for the most part) some of the most considerate, polite, and genteel people on the planet.

Thanks again to all of you who responded!

Thanks for coming back to let us know how it turned out. Sorry the outcome wasn't better!

No, that is totally unacceptable, shows poor manners and a lack of professionalism. I suggest you report these teachers. And if one or both are managers, then switch studios. What they are doing is extremely poor etiquette. I don't see what their point is doing such a rude thing.

As a matter of fact, I am now going to another studio.