I have an opinion question for all you dancers, amateurs and pros, students, instructors, alike. I'll present the scenario; responses and opinions will be greatly appreciated.

Throughout my years of dancing, I discovered that when a couple is being taught, the best way to approach a problem is to not blame your partner (i.e., "He doesn't lead me right for this step"; "She doesn't know the step, she can't follow").

I'd like to know your opinion of how to approach such a situation and how to (diplomatically) present it and correct it.

I try to put it on me. Ie, "I seem to be in your way here...I keep getting hit with your knee." or "I just can't catch that lead, I'm sorry!" or "I don't know why I can't get my leg through here." Of course, that's when we're practicing or the lesson's on me. If I'm the one teaching, I get to put it all on them...that's what they pay me for! I will say though, that I've learned to be nicer to my partner since I started teaching. When I see couples bickering, or one treating the other badly (blaming everything on them, being rough, etc), I see how bad it looks and it makes me very conscientious about how I interact with my partner!

Some of my best lines are:

"Something doesn't feel quite right, can we try that again?"

"Can I get you to try doing this? Just to see how it feels." Followed up by "Did that feel better or worse?"

"Am I giving you enough connection (drive, etc.)?"

"Don't be afraid to take a longer stride (etc.)...."

I think the main thing is, if you are going to correct your partner and have them listen, you need to also listen to your partner.

The only time, I don't feel bad about being really blunt, is when my partner just pulled a move that could've hurt me, like not waiting for me to completely turn before yanking my arm down. >

Thank you one and all for your responses.

I agree that the problem should be stated so that the blame is put on one's self. In the past, I've always said to the instructor, "...is the problem. What am I doing wrong?" Nine out of ten times, I discovered my partner was giving a wrong lead, or lacking in lead.

Twnkltoz, I had the knee-hitting problem a few years ago. I found out that I wasn't moving (getting my let out of the way).

To let everyone know, my partner commented that I drop my frame all the time. Besides everyone advice on how to handle the problem with my partner, I asked my instructor why my shoulders and neck hurt when I try to hold my frame myself. His response was that my partner is not holding his frame and I cannot possible hold my frame [totally] by myself without the muscles eventually giving in.

I learned something new.

The next time I discuss this with my partner, now I know how to respond.

Again, thanks on and all.

Regards, Hoofer

My DH and I are in the process of figuring this out and are trying hard to be diplomatic Some things that are working for us are 1) knowing when to quit. For example, he now can see when I am too tired to think and just says "ok, that's enough." 2) making a choice about how to handle slip ups. This was discovered this weekend when I lost count in a new jive move with kicks in it. I stopped and he thought we'd pick it up if he just kept going. Well, I now have a big bruise and we both agreed that stopping is the best idea! 3) When I don't understand a lead, I ask. "Did I miss a lead?" And he will tell me or admit it was his mistake. 4) We practice at home and work things out away from a public dance floor. I think this is a big key because it gives us a chance to argue constuctively and try to work out the problems without feeling pressured by dancers around us. If it is a lead I don't understand, we do the move over a few times and I can help give him the idea of what throws me off. If I don't have the step he kicks me again - just kidding! We just do it again until we both have it. Or we line that up as a question for our teacher next time we have a class. And we try to be nice!

I guess it is like everything else - you have to communicate and you have to respect your partner.

tourist

Blaming the other is the best way not only to ruin the partnership, but to leave lots of scars on someone's soul too.

I had one partner that had less experience than me - I used to tell him what to do (better me than paying for more lessons for the things I already knew), but I was always calm and polite, I never critisized or accused him, just told him what to do. And he never complained or felt bad.

Then I had one partner far more experienced than I was - and he was very critical. He would never show me or explain to me what to do or how to do it, but would complain and critisize instead. He would roll his eyes, give sarcastic comments, he even let me drop on the floor one or two times.

I felt like a loser, lost my confidence, and even I talked to him and explained to him that it's hurting me - next time he'd do the same. fter practise he'd apologize.

Finally it felt so uncomfortable that we just broke up.

Our competition results were under all expectations - mainly because we fought all the time, concentrating on what was wrong, instead practising to become good.

First of all, if you are the teacher, you stop the fighting immediately. I would stress that this is a PARTNERSHIP and nobody is at fault. If either one of you make an error, it is not good to point fingers and one another. Together you have to figure out as a team why something is not working out.

Quite often I seen one partner blaming the other for "mistakes" or problems that are often caused by the blamer.

I'm not talking about somebody blanking out on what's the next step. I am talking about when a couple seems to make the same mistake over and over, yet one partner blames the other.

People have to stop blaming each other and instead focus on working on the problem together. If a man says that the woman cannot follow, then he has to figure out what to do so she can follow. If a woman cannot folllow a man's lead, she and the man have to figure out what will work so she can follow his lead.

There's also a bit of a myth about lead and follow. Both partners have to know their parts well. However, once they get together, the man has to be able to lead the woman and she has to look like she is following his lead, even though she may know the amalgamations inside and out. In other words, the woman has to know what a fallaway reverse slip pivot is before a man can lead her into that step. If she's never done it before or does not do that step often, then the man can't expect her to be able to follow his lead all that well, unless he is willing to strong arm her into the step. And that will definitely generate arguments.

In social dancing, a man cannot expect a woman to follow him perfectly, especially if she does not know the step or if they don't dance together on a regular basis.

I woulld also stress that if the couple keeps fighting and arguing and blaming, that is COUNTERPRODUCTIVE to a good dance partnership and that they will never, ever dance as one if they continue to battle. They need to be on the same wavelength and they need to think as a unit, a team, instead of two individuals who think they are right and the other is wrong.

I would also say if you two cannot restrain yourselves from fighting while you dance, GIVE UP DANCING and find another hobby that you two can do together without getting into arguments.

I've seen people quit dancing because they argue too much.

try "im haveing trouble feeling the lead" and "this feels off to me" and some times after youve tryed to fix it other ways you just have to tell him you think hes leading wrng and work it out. but always be nice about it. sometimes i find that my partner wasnt sure about his lead of it any way.

One can only speak of the country or city they live in. Having said that after many years of dancing I have come to the conclusion that women don't learn how to count. If they set sail solo doing their routines to music, they are more likely to get out of time and finish facing the wrong way. I believe this to be one of the biggest problems in a partnership in Ballroom Dancing.The lady must know as much about music as the man to be able to dance as a pair. The only way to get the correct technique within ones steps is to understand the timing and the alignment. After that one should learn when to take a longer step than your parner, and when to take a shorter step. This mainly happens in a turn . Who is on the inside, and who is on the outside and dance accordingly. There is a lot more than this, but too much to go into at this time.

"My fault" seems to always work well.