Thanks Anonymous,

I'm in agreement that this insecurity/jealosy is an issue that needs to be looked at.

Ballroom has been a good mechanism to percipitate this type of problem.


TS

Ppokamon, most socials that my girlfriend and I go to have singles tables and "dance hosts". Many newspapers list singles events and they may list local dances. Usually these dances aren't only for singles. You should call to confirm that they have a singles table. We also developed friendships with a group of people that included single and married people. We often dance with different partners so the singles don't feel left out.

Don't be afraid to ask men to dance. Usually they will be thrilled when asked. Please first ask their partner, if they have one if it is OK to ask.

You may want to consider going to dances where partners aren't necessary. For example Country Line dances and International Folk Dances. Look for a group in your area that does Contra Dances, or English Country Dances, where the custom is to change partners with each dance. Look into taking Square Dance or Round Dance lessons. I am taking Square Dance lessons without my girlfriend and I was given a partner.

Why don't you need to dance with other people? If she want to dance with you, dance with her as much as possible. Now now she need you. It similer things happned to me. My Ex and me. Even we went party, he dance other girls all the time. YES!!!! All the time. I feel really lonely. NOW I am muuuuuuuuuuuch better dancer than him. We brock up because I feel lonely all the time. If he dance with me before, I am happy to dance with him even we are just a friend. I don't! Because he didn't dance with me because I was not good dancer. Now I am better dance than him, why do I want to dance with him? The most important thing is enjoy dancing with someone. NOT IMPROVEING YOUR DANCING!!!!

that really depends on why you are dancing

Here's a status report. Feedback is welcome.

The situation has improved. Here's a fragment of an email I sent the other day to my girlfriend (who wishes that I only dance with her):

There are a couple of reasons that I take dance lessons.

1) To eventually be able to dance well with you in any circumstance.
2) Excercise.
3) To learn the social skill of dancing.
4) To practice the social skill of negotiating.
5) Recently I have become interested in the challenge of learning certain
steps.

Here is what my current practices are.

Socials: At socials that are outside the dance learning environment
(Parties for work, pubs, restaurants, bars, Christmas parties and such) I
will sit with you (or however the host sits us). I?ll dance with you and
will grant permission if you are asked to dance with anyone else. I don?t
require people to ask my permission to dance with you as you can decide for
yourself. I will dance if other women approach me but only if I have
already danced with you. If you are out dancing, I may ask another women to
dance.

Practices: Within the dance learning environment, at a given practice
session, I will do one of each dance type with you as they come up. I'd
like to have enough closeness during the evening so we can stay in touch
and communicate about our plans for the evening (when we want to leave) and
what our feelings are. I don't want either of us to block the other from
dancing and this includes coldness, negativity and other reprocussions that
come after the evening. I may have a list of things I want to practice and
have specific partners to practice them with so when specific music comes
on, I may want to do that). Either of us can attend practices and
activities on our own within the dance learning community.

Lessons: I'd like to to this together once we have an area of common
interest and skill. Either of us can take dance lessons with separate
partners.

That sounds reasonable, but some people can react extremely negatively to the idea of having anything about this kind of subject actually formalized and written down. (Then you get into problems if their understanding of the informal agreement was different than yours)

I agree 100%. This is not a business contract based on deadlines, prices, etc. This is an emotional issue you are working on with your girlfriend.

If it is discussed, face to face, with two way communication, you will probably get a lot more understanding.

Other than that, if you are asking about content it seems completely reasonable.

Hopefully you both will be able to relax and start enjoying dance

Thanks for the extra comments. Yes, I've spoken with her on this face to face quite a bit.

I find that putting it in email helps too as it can't be argued what was agreed to as easily.

I agree that it could be a little harsh to formalise this sort of thing but it appears to have helped.

Just curious, how old are you two?

Hello Sunshine,

I'm 40 and she's 42 years old.

I should mention that one thing that was very helpful was that I discussed this issue with some of my dance instructors. They took this into account when they were teaching and my girlfriend and I were both present. For example if she was clinging to me, the instructor would say its time for everyone to change partners.

I noticed that some people thought that it was bad to write out the proceedures because it is not a business contract. I think that the ballroom is a hobby and it can easily have procedures to protect it from relashionship problems. The dating is a separate issue. By the way, I got positive feedback from my dating partner about those procedures that I wrote out.

In retrospect, what I believe is going on is that we have a relashionship problem that is interfering with our ballroom hobby.

Things have improved since I wrote the procedures but they are up and down.

Recently she broke off with me because I was talking to another women during a dance practice. She now is regretful of this and wants to get back together. Now she says she understands that I have to dance with various partners and manage other dance partnerships. I believe that we both should be dancing with a variety of partners at different levels.

My case is particularly sticky because she tends towards wanting me to dance with her only plus she started dancing a full year after me.

At this time, I'm getting disinterested in attending the same practices that she goes to as this whole thing is getting tiring.

Another issue that has come to light is that the practices I like have more advanced dancers. So if we both go to one of those, she feels that it is difficult for her to find a partner. So every time I go to dance I'm "abandoning" her. So we've decided to go to different practices. This will probably help a bit but I'd like to get to the point were we can go to a dance practice and she doesn't have any sense of ownership of me.

TS