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I am So upset
Posted by Katlyn Butschek
2/7/2019  6:47:00 PM
Hey everyone,

I started taking lessons with my husband a few months ago and recently, he decided he no longer wanted to pursue dance and left me with a decision to either continue for the remainder of our lessons (and take group classes instead of privates- because we'll have many more months of them vs a few private lessons) or quit now and get a refund for what was available on our account. I am really heart broken by this issue because he sees it as a "never ending bottomless-pit" financially, and myself on the other hand, thinks entirely different. Dance has been incredible for me in many ways and my husband and I have been fighting non-stop about this for the last month or so. I am completely heart broken with giving up this hobby because I wanted to see myself grow as a new dancer and it felt like the little child in me who used to do competitive gymnastics and cheer. I had to let the studio know that I am no longer going to pursue this, but what they don't know is the amount of fights my husband and I have gone through. Adding insult to injury, my husband purchased a brand new car because his old vehicle began to have many problems. Maybe I'm being too selfish? I hate that I had to quit but our marriage is going through rocky times as well. Has anyone been in a similar situation? I would appreciate any input or advice :)
Re: I am So upset
Posted by Mercia Tapping
2/7/2019  8:28:00 PM
I can't really give you good advice because I am widowed. Ballroom Dancing IS a very expensive hobby which I happen to be totally in love with so I can understand your pain. However, if you wish to follow it apart from your husband, you should have equal discretionary budgets. His for a new car and yours should be equal for dancing. When my husband bought a surprise Corvette, he had to write a matching check, which I blew on some amazing clothing.
Re: I am So upset
Posted by bocagirl
2/9/2019  12:43:00 PM
Katlyn - my heart aches for you. It was 30 years ago, when I told my handsome tall boyfriend, that he needed to take dance because he walked like a moose. So, he did for me, and we've been dancing for 30 years since - some times a lot, and sometimes years passed with hardly any dancing.

First, I'd let you know that this doesn't necessarily mean it is "the end" of dancing for him. I assume you took enough classes so that your husband knows a bit about basic handhold, dance frame, and transfering weight between feet. You probably focused on one dance more than another - most likely fox trot, swing, or perhaps even salsa, depending on your age and where you live.

My recommendation would be to lay off the lessons, and focus on seeing if you can make the dance he started come alive and be a bit of fun. He may have found that it was simply mental overload for him. With a basic step, an underarm turn, a change of direction step (like a cross body lead), and one more step, you can have a whole dance. Sure - you might get bored (which you keep to yourself), but it is the opportunity for it to become second nature to him, and you can tell him how nice he looks and how much you enjoyed it. Yes, flattery, is important in this stage. A man's ego gets bruised so easily, particularly (if like my husband way back then) he feels uncomfortable with relaxed hips, ball-changes, and anything else that looks funky/feminine/foreign (pick his word) to him. Some men also do not hear the dominant beat in music, so easily, so fun practice helps train his ear as much as his feet.

I found things worked best, when we took a few lessons, danced for a year, took a few more, or maybe even a couple of master classes and groups, and danced for a year..... etc. It was never done all at once. 30 years later, now, we kick butt! It actually became a form of exercise for us as much as a going-on thing because we moved to a condo association that has a dance floor we can use any time we want. A lot can happen over the course of a marriage.

And, I always learned the man's step just as much as my own. That way, if he forgot some crucial detail, it was easy for me to gently point out the troublesome transition without any drama. This helps if you develop the skill to memorize not only your footing but how the step appears as it moves across the line of dane.

I wouldn't weight the car-buying, or blend the two issues. You have to find our why your husband was turned off. It could be the teacher. It could be his own internal "head game". It could be you being too critical? It could be too much money spent in too short a time frame, as he says. So - try to use what you've already done, and build upon it. Keep us posted!

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