Why is it some women are asked to dance by men and some are not? What is it about a woman that makes her a "wallflower"? From personal observation it does not appear to be age, physical attractiveness, personality, or friendliness. Two women of similar age, attractiveness, etc. can walk into a dance and one will get asked to dance and one will end up decorating the wall. Why is that?

tourist mentioned the "dating in high school" analogy, so I'll continue it. Do you know how difficult it is for most guys to get up the nerve to ask someone to dance? If that someone is with their friends it is even scarier.

Asking for a dance is not unlike asking for a date, and one of my dating books (Dating for Dummies, probably) had a first-hand story from a woman who went out with her friends a lot but never got asked out until she started specifically not going to the bathroom with her friends. This left her "alone" in the room and guys were more willing to approach her. She still spent most of her time with her frinds, but she also spent some time alone and approachable.

I'm not suggesting that "wallflowers" spend the whole evening avoiding their friends, but I would suggest that the next time a WF goes out that they spend five minutes of every hour standing near the dance floor and see if they get asked to dance.



Ahh, yes, but that is exactly my point! If those three women are too shy to ask someone to dance they should try to make it was easy and un-intimidating as possible for someone to ask them to dance!

And back to the dating analogy again, I have advice for all the guys who do have the guts to approach that group of three women. Don't ask one of them to dance! What if that one woman doesn't want to dance to that specific song? What will you do, trickle down ask? Would you like to be the second or third person in a group to be asked to do something after the number 1 and 2 choices have already turned down the askee?

Instead, ask "Would any of you like to dance?" That way the person who really wants to dance will say yes, and when you return your first dance partner to the group perhaps the person who hates that song will ask you to dance for the next song!

Good suggestions, LTTP. At our studio, the ladies for the most part have been coming long enough that they're trained to go ask if they want to dance! But, it gets old...it's nice to be asked once in a while. I suggest to everyone that they do the mixers and, if applicable, take the lesson before the dance to get to know people.

This is quite an interesting post - all around. However, Kevin Laddison, I can't quite agree with all of your comments.

If I may, with all due respect:

If #1 and #2 turn him down, I see THAT as a problem. Aren't these women there to dance to begin with? Isn't it dance ettiquette not to "turn down" unless a person has a legitimate reason?

I feel that this is where we come to a fork in the road - where dating and dancing take different routes. Of course we can be selective in both, but dancing is not dating. The man is not asking one of these 3 women to spend a lifetime together. He just wants a dance. How is the guy going to feel if all 3 women don't step forward for his offer?

If #1 doesn't like the song, then #2 will hear this and #2 should not feel like she's second fiddle.

Another note I'd like to comment on: I feel that dancers should not be selective towards songs. What would happen at a competition if a competitor didn't like a particular song? Would they withdraw from the heat? Somehow, I don't think so...

Regards,

In my opinion the difference between a "wallflower" and someone who dances all night is the attitude the person portrays. Do they stand near the dance floor and look ready to dance? Or do they sit behind a table? Are they alone, and therefor approachable? Or are they hiding among a group of other women (or even a mixed gender group)?

Who would you choose to ask to dance, the person who looks like they are ready to go, or the person hiding behind a table?

Who seems more approachable? A member of a group, or someone off by themselves. Watch who people ask to dance the next time you are out. Most people will ask people they know first, then unattached strangers before trying to break into a group.



Again, I'm going to go with attititude. Do they look like they want to dance?

Of course this only counts if you don't already know a dancer. If two equally "attractive" patners dance differently thier real attractiveness is not apparent to a viewer. Sometimes there is something off on the connection between partners that makes dancing less "good", and so the other partner will be selected.

Kevin

Great question! I have had this discussion in terms of dating in high school (a whole other thing, I realise...) and the only answer I could give the "wallflower" was that she always had a look and attitude of having better things to do. A kind of a "well, you silly girls can hang around with boys but I'm too busy studying and doing important stuff." So I think it may just come down to that - attitude. We show it in so many ways and read it pretty much instinctively so it is hard to describe in words.

If I can be a bit flippant for a minute - this is one of the reasons I tell my DH that we have to stay married (29 years this Aug.). I just don't have the energy to have to be finding a new dance partner! *LOL*

tourist

Phil - I appreciate that you look to see if a woman dances exclusively with someone before you ask her to dance. My DH and I are one of those couples who dance to enjoy each other's company and having someone else ask me to dance can be awkward for several reasons. First, it might just be the dance that we have decided to concentrate on that particular dance (maybe we've learned a new figure or have something to practice for our next lesson), second, we dance almost every dance that it is physically possible to dance so if I am sitting out I probably really do need a rest, third, there are still a ot of dances I don't know enough to comfortably dance (samba, quickstep, WC swing and more...) so I will decline anyway.

I know the people who believe social dancing means dancing with everyone and I believe that dancing with many partners actually would improve my dancing but this is what works for us and I appreciate it when other dancers unerstand

Thanks for all the input and there must be something else as I do stand at the edge of the dance floor, alone or with a friend, with my arms down, swaying to the music and searching the crowd for someone to dance with. Men who have gotten to know me will ask me to dance. But, experience has taught me that if I don't go ask men I don't know to dance, they won't ask me. I just wish I knew why that was.

As a man, perhaps i could say what i look for when i go out social dancing on my own. I'm not claiming to be typical by any means - in fact, i think i'm a little shy about it. But i will, and do, ask strangers to dance if the 'circumstances' are right. Here are the circumstances i look for:
1)Is the lady a reasonably competent dancer? Not expert by any means, just competent
2)Is the lady dancing regularly with different men? or with the same man all the time? Did she dance with different men last time i saw her at a dance?
If the lady is dancing with the same man all the time, i may be treading on someone's toes in asking her to dance, so i don't.
It doesn't matter where the lady is in the dance hall, or whether she's with a crowd of friends.
If there's a quickstep playing and the lady gets up with another (lady) friend to do a jive, that gives me a subtle message that maybe she doesn't dance quickstep. It would be much better if the ladies got up and danced together doing a quickstep- maybe taking it in turns to be the leader.
It is an unfortunate fact that those who do the most dancing are more likely to be asked to dance, so find any means to get out there and dance.
It's a complex social issue which involves a lot of skill, and i may have it all wrong. I'd welcome any suggestions.

This is an interesting question, and I am sure there are many different reasons that men will ask some women to dance and not others.

Although I am a woman, I also lead (sometimes). The one studio where I frequent, a few of the women ask me to dance (usually a cha cha, swing or hustle). I never turn down a dance, and I am flattered when they ask. However, some of the women whom I dance with are "heavy." I'm not talking about being overweight; one of the women who asks me is as tiny as myself. I'm 5'3" and around 100 lbs. If the woman doesn't move (dance on her own - provider her own energy), it takes a lot of muscle on my part to get her to do whatever I lead - eventhough they follow well (especially hustle). This does make the dance less enjoyable.

As a follower, the owner of this studio complemented me one time when we were dancing by commenting that it sure is a pleasure to dance with someone who moves.

Regards,
Hoofer