I was just wondering if I am the only one who finds it a bit intimidating to look for a partner. Actually, this is the first time I have really looked, because I was dancing Pro/Am for 9 years and if one of my fellow students hadn't asked me to dance amatuer with him a year ago, I may never have discovered the joys of having an amateur partner. We had a great year together and now that it's over, I find I would like an amateur partner again.

I realize that I have a choice:

I can either "not look", which is what I did before and a partner just came to me.

I can post an ad and wait to see what happens (not something I feel comfortable with because words and photos say so little about oneself and it is hard to know if you want to dance with someone you haven't met). I posted an ad anyway, pushing out of my comfort zone.

I can dance with friends, people I know to be reliable and who know my abilities and with whom I have fun. This is what I have been doing recently. But these friends may be moving out of the area and are not necessarily sure if they have the same goals I do, so for now it is just good practice.

I don't think going to competitions is a good way to find partners, because you don't know who is available and I certainly wouldn't want to offend another woman by asking their partner if they were looking... It's just not my style.

And social dancing, although fun, has ceased to be very challenging for me. I find that I enjoy practicing with a partner and working on goals with a coach and competing and performing the most. Most of the people I know who have similar goals, don't go social dancing. I still enjoy social dancing for its own sake, but have not found it to be a good source of potential competition/showcase partners.

Frankly, I don't like looking. I tend to focus on the positive and have kept myself busy with personal dance goals, even without a partner. Admitting that I am looking for a partner indicates that I am missing something and frankly I don't like to admit that. But, what else can you do if you love partner dancing! The partner is essential.

I wonder how others have gotten through this time. I would love to hear stories, if anyone cares to share.

Karen

kl@pianofinders.com

To Also Looking,

I hear you regarding the many things that can be done to find a partner.

It is sad that so many people quit because they can't find partners. I certainly can understand how discouraged they might get. Personally I would never quit dancing because I couldn't find a partner. I might turn Pro, as that has been something I have been trained for and am capable of doing. A lot of my peers turned Pro a few years ago. But, that has its problems as well.

I have decided that dancing is important enough to me that I will continue to do it no matter what. And I can always use the cross training in ballet, jazz, modern and other dance areas in between partners.

You mentioned all the ways that one can agressively look for a partner. I have to admit, although I have told people I am looking, I tend not to be part of the ballroom gossip group that much and also tend to be a bit less agressive when it comes to asking men to dance. Even though I do enjoy competing for many reasons, I don't tend to get very competitive with other individuals. If I have female friends who are also looking for partners, I would wish for their success as well as my own. This may be to my detriment, but in the long run, I value long lasting relationships more than just getting ahead. I plan on being in this community a long time to come.

I remember a conversation I had with a fellow female competitor who had just started competing about 2 years ago. She was watching a couple compete and she said, "That woman is a much better dancer than her parnter. I don't understand why she doesn't just dump him and get someone closer to her level." I looked at her with a bit of amazement because it certainly wasn't what I was thinking while watching them. I said, "well, maybe she likes working with him. Sometimes that counts for more than just skill level." She and I had very different perspectives on the issues of partnership. I found it interesting to hear her viewpoint and didn't find myself judgemental of her. But, I also don't feel the same way she does...

I don't want to let the pursuit of a goal to cause me to do things that are not within my personal set of values about relationships and the way that I present myself to others. After all, even if dancing is important, being myself is important too.

I think that patience is the only key in this. Fortunately, I define patience as "feeling impatient but not acting on it". That means that I do feel impatient! I just want to act more patient than I feel. Quite a challenge.

That's why I am conversing here. It helps me stay centered to just discuss things with others. I appreciate your sharing your thoughts.

Dancing and loving it,

Karen

So let me get this straight: you currently have THREE people to dance with, all of whom could turn into a regular competition partner, and you're complaining that you can't find anyone? You're actually doing very well. Some women are lucky if they can find three people to just try out with in an entire year, yet alone be actually practicing regularly with them. I've been looking for a partner for two years now, since my last partner moved cross-country, and in all that time I've only managed to have five tryouts. One of them turned into a practice partnership that lasted for a while, but we both knew it wouldn't go anywhere competitively. I'm not undesirable as a partner (I've already had a couple of successful partnerships), it's just that there aren't that many people looking in my area. So consider yourself fortunate and congratulate yourself on doing so well.

Welcome to the most heartbreaking aspect of competitive ballroom dancing: you can't do it alone. And, to make matters worse, there aren't enough men involved to go around. And, to make matters even worse, there aren't enough good men to go around. I know several women who have quit dancing or who have almost quit because of it.

The only way to find a partner is to keep looking and don't be afraid to make your move. You never know who will move to town, who will decide to start dancing, who will decide to come back to dancing after stopping for a while, or who will break up with their partner or get broken up with. If you always keep your eyes open and try every resource you can, that increases your chances of finding someone. And when you think you've found a possibility, jump on the chance rather than waiting around wondering if the person is interested or available, or if you even should approach them. If you don't ask, someone else will, and then a brief window of opportunity will have closed.

Also, it's extremely important to keep an open mind, because if you are too picky that will limit your choices in an already limited arena. So go check out the beginners every once in a while, just in case someone with good talent but not a lot of experience comes along. University programs get a lot of new dancers, and every so often a "gem" appears. If you're not currently a student, don't be put off: many University dance clubs allow non-student adults to join.

I don't understand the comment about "it's hard to know if you want to dance with someone you haven't met" in regards to posting an ad. Of course it's impossible, but that's what try outs are for. If you connect with someone through an ad, arrange for a series of tryouts. Then you'll know whether you want to dance with them or not.

Going to competitions is a good way to find a partner for one reason: the more competitions you go to and the more people you meet and the more actively competing dancers you talk to, the more hooked into the local gossip network you'll be. Let everyone know you're looking for someone, and the contacts you develop will help you to get news of new propects. Volunteer to help the organizers, it's a good way to meet the competitors and have them get to know you and remember you (and you often get free or discounted admission to the event for it, depending on how much time you work).

I realise that partner searching is a sensitive subject. I hope that others will share on this even if they have to do it anonymously....

Dancing and loving it,

Karen

Hmm... a bunch of thoughts.

Never having done pro-am, I found my recent couple of months of looking very empty. True, in taking lessons on my own some issues were addressed that might not have come up had I been working with a partner. But overall it was a very down time emotionally. Being single in my personal life didn't help either (think partner adds are embarassing? try personals!)

I took more group classes than I had been previously. There didn't turn out to be any really good partnership prospects in them (though I did do some trial practices with someone for a while before realizing our approaches were incompatible).

I find it interesting that people are always saying women have a harder time finding partners - it may be a regional thing, but I know far more qualified, competent, and committed men looking for partners than women.
Women may in general be more interested in trying dancing (at the moment this seems especially true in beginner/intermediate latin) but a few years in, the men who are really serious about it tend to outnumber the women.

I also tend to find social dancing very frustrating unless there are a lot of good social dancers there - and there are two parts to that term. The problem is that the socially-oriented studios don't really teach technically comfortable dancing, wheras many of the competitively oriented ones don't teach socially interactive dancing. Generally the only people I really enjoy dancing with are those few competitors whose training is based on the underlying premise that partner dance is a social activity, rather than a performance one.

Sounds to me like the woman's partner was perhaps doing his job - making her look good.
Someone whose idea of a partnership is "me, me, ME" should be doing pro-am, not amateur competition. Of course not having seen it, it's entirely possible that the guy's apparent shortcoming was in worrying about himself rather than helping her look good...

As for the men/women thing, I do think it varies by style. Women seem to take to the flamboyance of latin in greater numbers than men. Wheras a lot of men get really into the stately romance of the smooth and standard dances - something we're perhaps not allowed to show too much in the rest of life. Maybe women get enough of that from other sources that on the dance floor they just want to shake it and be sexy...

Hi Karen,

Not initimidating, just frustrating! My success has been, well, fair to good at best. It's tough out there since there are few people doing International Standard.

In terms of partner search, I've always taken the "try everything" appoach and see what works. The try everything includes:

• Register at Dancepartner.com - I know you're already listed. I've connected to a number of people there.
  
• Tell every dance teacher you know (not just the ones you take lessons with) that you're looking! I've found two partners this way. And neither teacher was someone I was taking with at the time.
  
• Go to a lot of different studios. Well, this has never worked for me, but it seems like it should.
  

Good luck Karen!

After alot of looking and searching I've realized sometimes you're better off without a partner. Of course that also means no dancing......

To Also Looking,

Someone one said that listening to someone complain is an act of appreciation.

Thank you for appreciating the situation. From what I hear from your situation, you have more reason to complain than I do.

And I think that just because someone is without a partner doesn't mean they are undesirable. It is hard to find a good match, especially with all the things there are to consider:

1. Body type match. Whether you like the way you look and move together.

2. Skill levels. If you are happy with each others skill level in dancing.

3. Interest in the type of dancing you want to do. It helps if you want to do the same types of things.

4. Practice availability. Can you get together and find a place to practice enough each week to accomplish your goals?

5. Compatibility. Do you learn well together? Do you practice well together? Do you perform well together? Do you like working with each other?

6. Connection. Is there enough of a connection and charisma between you to make the partnership work well? If you are doing Latin, for instance, you may want the sizzle. If you are doing Standard, you may want the elegance, etc.

7. Teachers and coaches. Do you agree on who to study with? Are you both willing to work with the same technique, coach, etc.

8. Financial issues. Do you agree on who pays for what.

9. Travel issues. Do you agree on where you are willing to travel for practice, coaching, performance, competitions, etc?

10. Partnership issues. Do each of you have the skills to work through problems that may come up.

11. Romance issues. If your partnership is also a romantic relationship, can you make that work. If it isn't, are the romantic partners for each of you supportive of your dancing partnership.

With all these things that go into making a good partnership work, it is no wonder it may take a while for people to find partners. Especially as you advance in skill level and your requirements are higher.

Dancing and loving it,

Karen