I've recently become involved with a girl who is a dancer but she's not a partnership dancer. She does know how to salsa and loves to go salsa dancing but she hates to stick with organized steps and she hates having to follow anyone's lead. I have problems keeping up with her or knowing what she's going to do on the floor next and so it kind of kills a bit of the fun for me. I really like this girl and want to pursue a relationship with her but I'm worried about the dancing aspect. I really like to dance and I really prefer to be with someone whom I can go out and dance with and have fun with. Has anyone ever been in my position? Any advice?

Thanks!

The question everyone should ask themselves before starting each day: Quo Vatamus

maybe try doing some ceroc together. It might suit both of you. You have set figures and leads, but no set footwork, so you can get as basic or fancy as you like. Maybe it yould bring your dancing styles together?

Seems to me that you should talk about communication in the context of dance. It may be that she is more into improvisation than you are - but either way if she wants to interact with you, she can't go running off on her own without thinking about you. Perhaps you could encourage her how to lead you into the kinds of things she wants to do. I don't think it's fundamentally that important who leads and who follows, but rather than both people think about how what they are doing goes together with what the other person is doing. In partner dancing no one is independent - the person who wants to lead has to accept the responsability to actually lead.

Or maybe she's really not interested in dancing _with_ you, but rather the sort of 'dancing near you' or 'dancing at you' (or maybe 'dancing for you') that seems to be popular in clubs these days.

Thanks for your thoughts... allow me to clarify a little bit.

I never meant that I wanted to change her into a partnership dancer and I also never meant that I wanted her as a full time partner.

I would much prefer to have someone that I could go out and dance with socially but since I already work as an instructor, I'm not worried about resenting her for not allowing me to work on my skills since I get plenty of practice with other teachers that I dance with for fun or in classes that I take on my own to improve.
I really like this girl and I can see a long term relationship forming out of this, the only blockage that I have seen so far in the time that we've been together is this part.
While I know that it is more common for partnership dancers to go with other partnership dancers, I also have known professionals who were married to people who didn't dance and managed to make it work (although I wish that I had asked how now that I think back on it) so maybe there is hope but I am still very open to any feedback that anyone has.

The question everyone should ask themselves before starting each day: Quo Vatamus

I've not been in exactly this position myself, but my experience in life tells me that you must make a tough choice on what's most important for you. It would be best to take advice from someone who knows both you and this girl. From what you've said, this girl will never be happy as a dance partner in the sense you require. You shouldn't even consider trying to change her into a partnership dancer. So, you must choose between your relationship with this girl with no partnership dancing and meeting another person who will enjoy partnership dancing. You said you would "really prefer a dance partner..." and this gives away a lot about your feelings. My bottom-line advice:: take the long-term view (that shows my age!!)and find a new partner - you could easily come to resent that you didn't have the opportunity to develop your partnership dancing skills. You will find someone who loves partnership dancing and whom you find equally attractive. But don't rush your decision.

It's not a matter of whether or not it can work, it's a matter of what you want out of the relationship. If you want someone you can go out social dancing with, someone has to give...either she has to learn to dance your way, at least a little, or you have to learn to dance hers. If you can both compromise a little, you can make it work. If neither of you can compromise to please the other and enjoy yourselves together, wrong girl.

Have to watch using language like that, because it encourages a mindset that will get you into trouble. It's not about your losing 'control' of her, it's about losing touch with her in the sense of communication. It may be right now that the only way you know how to stay in touch on the dance floor is for you to be 'in control' (probalby true for me right now) but be very carefull if you are moving in together that you learn other ways of interacting in your non-dance life together... and it wouldn't be bad if you work on making the dancing more of a two-way conversation.

Phil.Samways has it together! you should read his reply again!!!. Lia

I'm a (used to be VERY serious) pro married to a very casual amateur. It works as longs as I don't pressure him to dance "correctly" or get annoyed that I can't really show my stuff or do more than a few steps a dance.

Usually it works but sometimes I do get frustrated or he gets nervous, feeling pressure... so we just have to back off and remember it's for fun! No way he's going to rev up to where I'm at, so I have to adjust to his. If you can't do that, I don't think it will work.

Luckily he was always fine with me dancing and partnering with other people. In fact I think it helped that he did some ballroom, because he understood why I had to practice so much, and that partners didn't have to be romantically involved.

So if you can let go of formal ballroom in a social situation, and she can accept your ballroom self where you need to express it, you guys should do fine!

(married 3 years, together 5)

well, I took everyone's advice and I talked to her and I told her how I felt and how it made me feel when I lost control of her on the dance floor and she was unaware of how it was making me feel so after talking about it she's agreed to let me lead more when we're out doing salsa and is even willing to work with me so that she can learn exactly what it was I was trying to lead her into that night.

So thanks everyone for your tips and helping out. We've worked it out and we're actually moving in together at the end of the month. *smileS*

~LB

The question everyone should ask themselves before starting each day: Quo Vatamus