Hi! I used to dance quite a bit when I was in my twenties. Now I am in my late forties and my husband left about 1 year ago. I just started taking Ballroom dance lessons. I knew I'd love it because I love to dance. The problem is 1. I cannot afford it and feel foolish for paying so much (although it is the going rate) and 2. My dance teacher is always complimenting me on how good I am and how quick I pick up. I actually confronted him about this and he swears he wouldn't say so if it wasn't true. He is much younger, married and really cute. We are starting to do dances with greater physical contact. This contact is better (more romantic) than I had with my husband. I don't want to quit dancing or switch to another teacher, but I can't stop getting "turned on" by it. I don't imagine anything ever happening between us, yet I feel foolish. I hate feeling like I am the stereotypical middle-aged divorcee being "wooed" by the Ballroom dance instructor for money. Even if he is straight up and honest. How do I stop feeling so attracted? It is such a high to be touched in such romantic ways.

First of all, nothing is ever going to happen between you. He is a younger, married man. He might like you and enjoy teaching you but that's it. You have a feeling you're being played and that might very well be. You use the word foolish in your post a lot. Foolish for paying what you can't afford, foolish for having feelings for your instructor. If you don't want to be the stereotype, then don't be and you won't feel foolish. It is that simple. There is no romance, it is a job for him. There is nothing like dancing to make a woman feel attractive and you may need that at this time of your life, so just enjoy your time together. Just remember when your hour is up, he has moved on. If you can't afford private lessons then try groups, go to parties, see if you can find a partner to share expenses.

I don't wish for anything to "happen" between me and my dance instructor. I just feel uncomfortable with how "good" I feel when we are dancing. It is very confusing for me. I know I am at a very vulnerable stage right now and guess that I am a little old-fashioned about feeling attracted to a married man.

Your old-fashioned sentiment is there to save you. Run. Grieve. Recover. Next time with a different teacher - keep your distance. It is not as exciting, but will save you from lost years of anguish. You are in an equivalent of abusive relationship. At this point, it might take you up to a year to recover (or longer). Gibbs rule 49 (modified 40) - if it feels that you are being played you most likely are.

*rule 36

She is not in "the equivalent of an abusive relationship". She is in a dancing relationship and her feelings are her own and hers alone to control. Women often misinterpret the relationship when they are new dancers because they don't understand that physical closeness second nature to dancers. Instructors are all hugs and kisses and dance the most romantic rumba even if they care nothing for their student. Due to the expense of private lessons, they know that their relationships are key to maintaining students. I have worked at a studio for a long time and I am a student. I see both sides of issue.

Confusing, ambivalent signals, warmth, friendship, physical contact - then abrupt indifference excused by professional need or marital status, especially for secondary gain, especially practiced routinely around vulnerable aging women in difficult personal situations - is a classic manipulation and a textbook emotional abuse. Chronic variable scale ambivalent treatment conditions these victims to continue returning over and over again, spending all their money and embarrassing themselves. Mind, I have not mentioned dancing yet. I am a psychiatrist, and I have seen these women of all ages - victims of ambivalent signal manipulation over and over - hospitalized, suicidal, obsessed, their lives destroyed. Those are extreme cases and I have never encountered any in practice that had anything to do with the dance instructors - but since I entered the dance studio world, I was shocked, how this type of abuse is actually a trademark of a dancing industry; I have met with a lot of victims and I observed the works just while sitting and watching the dynamics on the floor. In short - "hot"/"cold" treatment is an emotional abuse, no matter what setting it happens in.
There are wonderful professional instructors who do very well without that crap - especially when you clearly indicate what you expect from your lessons. But you have to actively search to find them.
Dear Katemeg - just make sure that you, as a customer and a sophisticated woman - completely control the process and withdraw from any sticky situations immediately. You are not going to win - these are cunning very fine tuned players for your money. Some are cynical and the process is very clear to them, some may not even understand some of the things they practice - their mind and conscience are very well protected by multiple immature subconscious defenses, but does it matter to you? I wish you all the best - dancing is a beautiful, healthy hobby, once you are in control and not being played.

.. I keep saying "women" vs. dance instructors - of course, it applies to men exactly the same.

There is no proof that katemeg is involved in an abusive relationship with her dance instructor. From what she has told us, he tells her that she is a good dancer and she picks up steps quickly. He is young, good looking and married. That is all we know. Almost every instructor I know quickly learns who they can be honest with and who they can't. Some people do not want to hear the truth about their dancing. One of the most popular teachers in our city (a woman) tells everyone that they are doing a terrific job. Most of them are horrible dancers, all hunched over, no frame, no footwork etc. They love her because she makes them feel good. Is that abusive? Without knowing more, it is unfair to blame the instructor because katemeg is having feelings for him. Dancing in close contact is a natural progression in learning to dance nothing more. Is katemeg a victim? Only she can answer that.

An interesting note: my ballroom teacher recently told me that it's commonplace for teachers and students to have relationships. Seems true because there are so many rules about it in studios that it must happen often enough that studio owners need to creat policy.

To the OP: don't feel guilty about enjoying a little attention. Make a budget for it. If you can afford only one lesson per week, then so be it. Do groups for extra practice. You deserve joy as much as the next person.