I've recently been out social dancing and the last 2 times I was at this one particular place, a man has asked me very frequently for dances. I obliged and found out that he was more of the "self-taught" school than any real formal instruction as he had absolutely no idea how swing is swung and was doing waltz steps to merengues. Aside from having difficulty following his dances (and heck, I'll give him a point or two for creativity), I found that when I couldn't follow him, he seemed to get somewhat frustrated and became a bit forceful in his leading, and by the end of the night and most of the rest of the following day my back was really bothering me.

I declined a few dances, on the basis of needing a "breather", but I am sure every time I go there, he is going to ask me to dance and I really would rather not.

I'm not a very confrontational person and do not want to hurt his feelings, but I really don't care to be injured either.

Help!

I feel your pain. I am a female who is victimized by men who, having taken a few lessons 'a while ago', feels that he is qualified to inflict his minimal knowledge on unwitting followers.

'Just Say No' comes to mind. Remember, others at the social have the same bad experiences with this fellow, so you're going to get empathy from onlookers. Plus, isn't it obvious that he has no clue how he affects people? Then, he won't feel offended if you refuse him.

It's fellows like him that scare away potential social dancers by making it impossible to advance past these folks.

If this leader is hurting you, you should not feel any obligation to dance with him. Being polite is one thing, but risking your health to do so is something else. You could stick to one dance per night with him and that's it, constantly turn him down every other time he asks you. Hopefully after a while he'd realize that you're only giving him the one dance out of politeness. If that's not working, you can turn it up and make it more personal.

Normally I wouldn't suggest this sort of thing. People can improve over time and if you're bad to them now, they may be bad to you later. But if you're sure that you don't want to deal with this person, you may need/want to go to this level. One thing you can do is turn him down and then dance the same song with someone else. This is generally considered rude enough to be taken personally by the person you turned down. Or you can turn him down without explanation. This is also often viewed personally. When you give a reason, people are pretty accepting of it. If you don't give a reason, you're implying that you have a problem with the asker. It's not just that you want to rest or something, you just don't want to dance with this specific person.

Of course, this does sort of assume that he has some understanding of the general etiquette rules in ballroom dancing. If he's oblivious to the fact that he hurts followers and they're not dancing with him much (if at all) for a good reason, this stuff may not work. In that case you may just have to tell him. I can understand not wanting to be confrontational, but he's got a problem and if he doesn't know this he can't fix it. If you tell him or make suggestions to him to indicate this, you may be helping him in the long run. Good luck with the situation.

Thank you both for your suggestions.

Since this guy thinks I'm missing the lead all the time, I don't think he'd take my word for it that he's really got the issue, not me. Not to say that I never miss a lead.... The second time I bumped into him, he at first avoided me, so I thought I was in the clear, but alas, not for long.

I'm not sure which one would be more offensive - to say "no" with no reason, or to say "no" and dance someone else. Perhaps some insite from a male would be good here....I know I personally would take the second scenario worse.

Again, thanks for your advice. It kills me to have to say "no" to a dance because it's hard to find guys who dance at all, but I'm not willing to suffer for a week with a bad back.

Mambo Queen wrote: "I'm not sure which one would be more offensive - to say "no" with no reason, or to say "no" and dance someone else. Perhaps some insite from a male would be good here....I know I personally would take the second scenario worse."

You are correct in the statement above. James is right, to a man like you had described, it might be the only choice you have.

tango2x2, male.

Being a guy, and not very good myself (I've only been at this thing for about four months) I'd take if you told me and danced with someone else more offensive than just saying no. If you just said no I can at least lie to myself and say, "well there's a reason she just didn't care to share it with me". If you danced with someone else that same dance though, that'd hurt my feelings, personally.

I have seen many women go through this at the ballrooms or latin dance clubs.

I think you should let him know his faults so that he can correct himself. Rather than shying away from him everytime , you should give him an opportunity to correct himself . If he doesn't , then tell him the truth that you don't want to dance with him.

Thank you all again for the advice, especially the guys. I know it's hard to be "rejected" and I know I wouldn't feel too good about it myself. So, as it happened, I bumped into him the other night and turned him down 3 times and he approached me and asked if something was wrong and I told him. He responded well, thanking me for my letting him know. He promised he would go easier, and for the most part, he did. When I watched him with other dancers, I did notice that he was a little "extra firm" on occasion, but not my business. So, I'm glad I was able to get it off my chest and now just hope for the best in the future.

>>People can improve over time and if you're bad to them now, they may be bad to you later. <<

Dronak makes an excellent and very true point with this. So I'll toss another suggestion out there, for potential future use. Do you know any of the other men at these dances, preferably one who is generally recognized as a "good" dancer and who is tactful? You might ask him to intercede on your behalf. I am assuming here that you have a pretty consistent set of "regulars," so that most people know each other at least slightly -- that is, your friend knows the victimizer at least by name? The friend can approach the "V" and in a friendly way, work into a conversation (ot necessarily in order) that some of the ladies have complained about him for reasons x, y and z, to the point were some have been physically hurt. The ladies admire his enthusiasm and creativity in the dance. They would like to see him continue coming to the dances, but perhaps after he went to a studio for a few lessons, asking the instructor to work especially on x, y, z?

I have on occasion been approached to have such discussions. With proper care and tact, no egos get bruised, no names are used, the lady avoids any social awkwardness, the "V" gets praise as well as being told there's a problem that needs fixing. And since at most places (that I'm familiar with anyway) women far out number men, you possibly nurture a man into being a better partner, rather than having him drop out because "no one will dance with me there."

When it's presented properly by some one generally held in respect, I've found very few people seem to have problems with "constructive criticism." The ladies can approach such a man without concern of besmirching the "V," because a good dancer will probably have already noticed the heavy leads for himself while watching and "taking a breather" (or has been told about it by other women).

Ladies, however, need to ask the friend explicitly to do this, however: it's the Mars vs. Venus thing. If you don't the guy will (and should) assume you are just venting a bit, and not asking for a "fix" of the situation. An oblique suggestion is not likely to overcome a tactful man's resistance to the possibility of being a "busybody" sticking his nose where it doesn't belong.

At least, this is the etiquette I was taught for social dancing. I hope it helps.

R