Hello again, thank you all for your responses to my previous question. I didn't take up the offer from the last person for two reasons - 1. because I feel he is a much slower learner than me and I would get frustrated, and 2. because I just didn't feel particularly comfortable dancing with him.

Can anyone tell me, when looking for a partner is there anything in particular you should look for - are the reasons above valid or am I being picky? I feel rather guilty for turning his offer down.

Thank you

Did you bring this person to your teacher? How could you possibly tell if he was a 'slow learner' - unless you allow your coach to judge this. 'Teaching' someone on the dance floor is a poor way to asses things.

You should take a lesson from a coach who has NO VESTED INTEREST IN KEEPING TWO AMATEURS APART... forget your 'pro-am teacher' as your new partner represents loss of revenue.

The reason this person might be uncomfortable to dance with might be that YOU are doing things wrong... and you're used to others who do things as wrong as you - or dancing with a proam coach who compensates for your deficiencies.

I'll assume you are beginner level - under 3 years of dance. I will also assume that since this is the first time trying this, you are not sensitive to what is going on with the physical dynamic. You'll need to let an outside party look at this...

Thank you for your input. I don't have a coach of any sort - no idea what a "pro-am coach" is. I am certainly aware that I do many things wrong though since I have only danced for 6 months (hence the name "Novice) - just looking for some advice as to what to look for in a prospective partner.

Do you take private lessons from anyone? If so, then you are dancing in a Pro/Am (professional with amateur) situation, and that is what is meant by a Pro/Am coach. If you are not taking private lessons, and have only been taking group lessons, then your situation is even more interesting. Suffice to say that if you've only been taking group lesons then chances are very high that you don't yet have a lot of the technique and awareness to both be a good partner or judge who is a good partner.

Are you a woman? Especially, are you a woman in the USA? You will find that men interested and available for amateur dance partnerships are few and far between, and in general it's a good idea to give anyone interested a serious look -- like a two-week to one-month long trial period -- before turning them down unless there's some really obvious problem like the person is WAY too tall for you or way too short for you, or is known for being really mean and rude to others, or you know them from before and you just can't stand being around them, or something like that.

During that one month get together on a regular basis, I'd say a minimum of twice a week, to practice. Take a group class together, and dance in the class together and practice what you learn there outside of class together. Take a couple of private lessons from a teacher who trains other amateur couples.

After a while you will have a much better idea about how things might work out. By going to class together and taking lessons together you'll get a better idea as to what his learning speed really is. Maybe he isn't such a slow learner, but rather needs a practice partner to cement what he's learning and become a better dancer.

You never mentioned what you meant by "not particularly comfortable dancing with him." Is it a physical thing, like he's way too tall or way too short, or is it that the two of you haven't worked out yet how to bring each of your own dancing together into something that works well for the two of you as a whole? The integration period takes longer for some couples, less time for others, and you're truly lucky if you find someone to dance with who feels great on the first try. If the problems are with the dancing and not the physical attributes, then some help from a private teacher who trains other amateur couples and some practice might resolve it, or it might give you enough additional information to help you to understand what isn't working and if or why it will never work.

There are so many things to consider when looking for a partner:

* Is the other person interested in dancing with you, and you with them? Responding enthusiastically to the initial suggestion is a very good thing.

* Are the heights workable? If you're not sure, taking a lesson or two from a teacher who trains other amateur couples (let's use the term "amateur coach" or "coach" from now on for this) can help you to determine that.

* Do both people have schedules that permit for the number of lessons and practice sessions you would want to have per week? Some people take one lesson every two weeks and practice two or three times a week. Other people practice four to six times a week and take a lesson every week. The two of you have to decide as a couple what you are willing to commit to both schedule-wise and financially. Both people need to have compatible schedules, finances to support what the two of you want to do, and similar degrees of committment. If one partner wants a lot more involvement with dancing than the other, then that will cause problems down the line.

* What are your personal feelings for this person? Do you think you two will find the time spent working together pleasant, or do you just not like to be around the other person? Do you not even know yet? This is what the trial period is for.

* What happens when you practice? Do you work together to solve problems, or is one person dominant? If one person is dominant, is the quieter person fine with this or does he/she harbor secret resentments or frustrations? Does one person get angry easily and place blame on the other? Ideally you and the other person will be working together in a problem-solving fashion without placing blame on or getting angry with each other.

Notice I haven't said ANYTHING about dance skills yet. Dance skills are the one thing about a partnership that can be improved: you can't change someone's personality, job, family, or financial situation, you can't change someone's height, but you and the other person's dancing WILL change, which is the whole point of having a partner.

When it comes to dance skills, look at the following:

* Where are YOU now? If you're a top-level competitor your needs will be different than someone at Novice or syllabus level. It's always good to get together with the best possible dancer you can, but often you can't. Be honest with yourself about where you are now. It's so easy to overrate one's own skills in the beginning.

* Once you know where you are, look at where your partner is and more importantly the potential for the future. Learning is not linear. Someone who may seem behind you now may very well catch up and then pass you. Or catch up and then progress with you. Or might be better at some things and worse at others. The important thing is to get a feel for the other person's potential, which is quite difficult if you are new to this. That's why I suggest a no-fault one-month-long try-out, so you can see how you both change over a month's time. If you feel things are getting better and better with the lessons and practice sessions that you have together, then that's a very good sign.

There's some other factors involved, but I've given you a lot to ponder and I'll stop here.

In case you're curious, I've been dancing and competing in Pro/Am and Amateur partnerships for 6 1/2 years now. I've had a few different amateur partners over the years, and in every patnership we were at different relative levels to each other. Sometimes the guy was the higher level dancer, and sometimes I was. Only ONE partnership ever broke up because of the dancing -- the others broke up because of differing levels of committment, or inability for us to resolve personality conflicts, or unsolvable scheduling issues.

Thank you very much for all that information Laura. In answer to your questions, I am female and am in Australia. I took 1 private lesson a week for about 6 months, but found out the studio wasn't teaching international standard, so I changed to a studio that does. At the new studio I am doing an international standard bronze medal, one each in modern and latin (taught in a group).

I haven't been looking for a partner as doing the medal classes & going to 3 socials a week takes up a lot of my spare time. I was planning to finish my bronze medals before thinking about that, but happened to be offered a partnership ahead of schedule.

The guy I mentioned is about 10 inches taller than me, which I'm not used to as I'm quite tall myself, so that may have contributed to me feeling uncomfortable. It's good to know that you don't have to start at the same skill level though - I'll certainly remember that.

2 comments on the complaints about the rejected partner:

1) In beginners, speed of learning is a very, very confusing thing. Some people can sort of immitate ballroom dancing with little training, others have to be really taught the details from the ground up. But once you get beyond the beginner stage, the people who really have a sound fundamental understanding often come out ahead of those who have gotten in the habit of immitating dancing without really being purposefull about the actions.

2) A comfortable partner is one who can hold their body in the proper position, and demonstrates a respectful awareness of their partner's body. Guess what - durig the first few years, the proper body position is evolved in stages. What really matters at the start is that someone be purposefull about their posture, and be able to explain/demonstrate how it is compatible with a partner's. In other words, that they are someone who can _learn_ to be a comfortable partner.

Personally, I feel a 10" height difference is huge. I am 5'7", however, and my problem is generally that the average height of a leader in my area is 5"10 or 5"11, if I'm lucky. So, I can't wear more than 2-1/2" heels. For me, a shorter man generally presents problems for me. But, that's just me.

If I were looking for a partner, I would say that my 2 priorities would be personal compatability, ie., I want someone who is serious enough about dancing, but doesn't play the blame game and over-analyze every mistake. I have very little tolerance for anyone who is going to make me feel remotely bad about my dancing (on the other hand, I'll pay my teacher large sums of money to get dissed...go figure!). They would have to have a good balance between seriousness for the learning and progressing of our dance relationship, but enough of a sense of humor to laugh things off.

Secondly, I would prefer someone who was dancing at least one more year than me; especially since I am a "somewhat" beginner (a NY pro told me that he considers less than 10 years to be a "baby"). Having said that, I will almost always dance at social events with less experienced men; I just wouldn't partner with one.

I wish you luck. It is very difficult to find a partner here in the states. Most of the available men in my area are looking for more than just a dance partner, and that just isn't an option for me.

If you want to compete, you need to find a partner that is a good match--Physically and mentally.

ideally, he should be a few inches taller than you when you are wearing heels. That makes it easier with the contact points. However, don't turn away shorter partners or partners who aren't as ideal. Look for somebody who has good timing and is musical.

But most important, you have to find a partner that is compatible--one that you feel comfortable with. Both of you need to have the same goals with your dancing, and the same desire and motivation. If you want to compete but your partner does not, then that may not be the best partner for you. Also, compatiblity is important when you have to work out problems. If you get a partner that always blames you for every mistake or is very insulting or controlling, DUMP HIM FAST. I've seen women psychologically torn to shreds because they kept dancing with an abusive partner. It is not worth it.

Hope this helps and Good Luck

i have to agree with everybody who have replied. finding a male partner is difficult. i lucked into a great partner on my college team. one thing that hasnt really been streesed here too much is that your personalities are compadable. before my current partner, i had a partner who didnt rally mesh well with me and we wanted different things out of danceing. He wasnt nearly as deticaded as me and once even arrived so late at a competiton that we missed our smooth events. aside from the problems of dedication our personalites didnt mesh well. its nice to be able to talk to about something in between dancing. i moved on to a new partner after 2 competitons with him. my new partner is great. we both want the same things out of danceing and have the same dedication and we get alon wonderfully. hes also musical which is abig help as sme one said earlier. good partnerships are hard to find, so dont count any body out untill you have danced withthem for a while, and of course dont hold on to a bad one just for the sake of haveing a partner. thats a waste of money and time.